Thoughts of a Small Town Girl

and Christmas is upon us...

2011-12-18T22:33:00.001-06:00

As it begins to thunder outside the furbabies & I wait for the rain to begin. We have had a nice lazy day today, watching movies, getting a crockpot meal ready to cook tomorrow while I am at work for a potluck with my Reiki group tomorrow night. The clock is striking 10 p.m. & it is almost time to turn in for the night & get a good night's sleep in preparation for the work week.

The proximity of Christmas means it is one month to my next birthday. A milestone birthday. I have been thinking about my life quite a bit lately. November marked the 7th anniversary of my brother's death at age 47, December 1st marked the first anniversary of my Mom's death, & it has been 5 months since my beloved Miss Evelyn crossed over. I will not be sad to see 2011 pass from view. It has been a hard year. A year filled with so much. As Sparky said Saturday, it's a wonder either of us are sane. I know the stress probably has exacerbated the flareup of my thyroid problems - my counts are way out of whack & I am on my second change in dosage plus a complete change of medications twice. We shall see how I am doing when I see the doctor the 30th. Lately I have felt just plain awful. My head hasn't been right, feels like it could just explode & I am very, very cranky not to mention how fatigued I am by noon each day. Ready to get the levels back to "normal" so I can feel better. But I am blessed. I just have an out of whack thyroid.

With all that has happened in the last 12 months & my approaching birthday, I have been reflecting on how I want to spend my 3rd Act. In listening to an interview with Jane Fonda on her new book she mentioned she divided her life into 3 Acts- The first 30 yrs, the 2nd 30 yrs, & the last 30 yrs. So I figure I am going to be starting my 3rd Act in 2012. I could say it is the last year of my 2nd Act. But whichever, I have lived far more years than I have ahead of me. I have reinvented myself more than once. I can name the Acts based on who I was during each of those 30 yr periods. I think I will devote all of next year's writings to revisiting those Acts. Revisiting my personas. Explaining how I became who I am today - how I came to my authentic self.

So, as I celebrate Winter Solstice on 12/21/2011, Christmas, then New Year's Eve I will begin to formulate my writings. Begin to fully, deeply explore my life & document the complete Journey. It will be quite a story, many stories in fact, some sad, some tragic, some happy, some exciting, some scary, some boring, some funny, but all of them honest.

As we close out 2011 dear ones, I wish you Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, & above all blessings, love, enlightenment, joy, & fulfillment. May your Journey in 2012 be filled with excitement, understanding, tolerance, acceptance, & peace. May we all know Peace on Earth, Goodwill towards All Creatures Great & Small. May we all find acceptance, understanding, & tolerance for that which we cannot see, for that which we do not understand, for those who differ from us in beliefs, cultures, lifestyles, & may we all know the Unconditional Love of Mother God, Father God, All that Is, & All that will ever Be. Light, Love, & Blessings, dear ones!!

~~blessed be...

and it was revealed...

2011-11-26T12:23:00.000-06:00

Many times during meditation, Healing Circle, & Full Moon Meditation I feel this way - I can feel a large ball of energy between my palms. It is the coolest feeling to have the energy radiating from my fingers & palms, growing larger as I move my hands farther from each other. Just such an amazing feeling.

Speaking of amazing feelings. Went to a wonderful gathering of my Reiki group on 11/11/11. Very powerful chanting & meditation. Then the following morning several of us went to the Psychic Fair in Lewisville, TX. What a wonderful experience!! Beautiful little shop filled with all kinds of wonderous books, crystals, stones, etc. And the readers,WOW, so many enlightened, gifted individuals in one place. I had two readings done. One was my Tarot cards. I had no specific questions, just wanted to see what the cards had to tell me. It was amazing. First card pulled was the wish card, then the Divine card. The rest had good messages also, but those two were so cool. Basically, I have to be careful what I wish for because I can have it. Also, I am Divinely protected at all times. I have been through the worst of it & now I walk in the Light of the Divine at all times. I am protected always. Also, there are changes coming in a relationship. Either the relationship I am in is going to drastically change or I will enter into new one. Whichever it is, there will be great passion, an intense, beautiful experience that will last. My health will be good, my career will be successful. 2012 will be a very good year. I just have to take care of myself, be kind to myself, I am on the Path toward my true Destiny. Was warned to not get too entrenched in my solitary life, to be around like-minded individuals. Told me I have been a healer, that I am still a healer & to embrace that gift. So I was lead to Reiki, I am supposed to use the Energy of the Universe to help others. Also, the cards told me that the New Moon would be a very powerful time for me. Told me to light a white candle & wish for 10 things. Last night was the New Moon. So I lit my candle, wrote down my wishes, prayed over them, then burned the paper & sent the ashes into the Universe. I know they will be handled & granted appropriately. It was a very good reading.

The second reading was a Past Life reading. I, again, asked no specific questions just wanted to see what the cards had to tell me. So, I spoke my name 3 times over the cards & cut them. I had a couple of expectations in mind that I thought might come up & I had some apprehension about karmatic baggage. Was amazed at the cards. I was Templar Knight. I was judgemental, lived the doctrine of the Crusades fully, believed completely in the Catholic Church, lived a celibate life, lived a solitary life. Then the Crusades ended & many of the Knights had families, loved ones to whom they returned since they had not lived the celibate, solitary life for which I had harshly judged them. I had no family, no loved ones, no career beyond a Knight. So, I sank into poverty, a lonely, solitary life. I became ill. I was found & cared for by a Pagan woman who showed me how to live in harmony with Nature, who taught me tolerance, who showed me the Way of Acceptance of others. She changed my life & allowed me to change. I died with no negativity, no karmatic baggage. Everything a taken care of in that Life. I fulfilled that Destiny.

As the reader was telling me all this I felt it all, I saw it all, tears came to my eyes. And it all became so clear in why I had some of the challenges I did in this Life. Why I was drawn to some of what I was - I converted to Catholicism in my late 20's, in my 40's I began to be drawn to Wicca, in my 30-40's I became more tolerant, more accepting, my Totem revealed himself to me very clearly (he has been with me since childhood), & I began to question the belief system I had been raised with, I stopped being judgemental, I found a peace I had never known. I began my Journey toward Enlightenment & began walking the Path I have now been on for a couple of decades. My Journey became very important & I hungered for the knowledge I came here to find. I began to know I had been here before, several times, & I wanted to know why I had chosen to come here again, why I chose the challengs, why I chose the family. Then on 11/12/11 it all came together for me. I know I am exactly where I need to be, I am on the right Path, I am one with the Universe, & I have no karma that must be "fixed". It was a freeing experience. I am safely at Home in this Life. It all makes sense. It makes since why I have some distinctly masculine attributes. Why sometimes I feel as if I am seeing the World through masculine eyes. I now feel comfortable with the masculine/feminine that make me, me. I can now embrace the ying & the yang. I know why I am drawn to it all. I know that I can meld all my beliefs into a whole. It is good to feel that I have followed the Path in this Life to the place where I now dwell, & that I am where I am supposed to be, who I am supposed to be.

So, dear ones, I am a Seeker as I have always been. I continue to Journey with the Great Grey Wolf by my side, the Universe, the Angels, the Guides, & Mother God, Father God, All That Is by my side. I have only to ask & what I seek shall be shown.

I bless each of you today & every day!! I wish you well on your own Journey. I pray your Path will be easy, & the Way revealed to you. I pray you find what you seek.

Until we meet again-

~~blessed be...

Off the beaten path...

2011-10-23T14:54:00.000-05:00

That's where I have been, both figuratively & literally. A couple of weeks ago a friend called on a rainy Sunday afternoon & suggested a walk. I was up for that. So off to the park we went. Started out on the concrete path but then ventured off into the woods in the rain on wet, muddy clay. Had a slight mishap (called hitting slick clay & almost tumbling into the creek but a dead tree stopped the fast downhill slide). No injures but lots of laughs. And through the woods we trekked awhile longer. Walking barefoot on a rainy day is wonderful & really grounds you to Mother Earth. Sliding down an embankment, however, bruises your pride somewhat. But it makes for the best story!!

I let a comment made by a facebook "friend" derail my Reiki practicing. Someone I do not know personally, just a page I used to follow, made a very negative comment about my being a Reiki I Practioner & what that did not allow me to do & how little it allowed me to do in the way of practicing Reiki. Basically she told me I could heal fruit but to stay away from people & that it would be a long time before I could use energy on others. Suffice to say, it wounded me but most importantly it started a fearful dialogue in my head (Crap). So, I got scared to practice on anyone but myself (I stayed away from fruit also since my mission is to harm none). Stayed away from my Reiki Circle for awhile. But, Monday night I went to Healing Circle. My Reiki Master/Teacher/Mentor/Friend encouraged me to give Reiki to another practioner who unbeknownst to me at the time is a Reiki Master (Crap). It was a very good experience, but had I known my "subject's" level of expertise I would have run for the door. While I did not feel ready to take Reiki II on Saturday, I do feel more confident & I am back on track with my former enthusiasim for healing. I know now that the "comments" were just old crap coming up that I needed to deal with, acknowledge, & move past so that I can continue my Journey toward healing. So, from this point forward I will be sharing Reiki with others at Open House, my personal life, Healing Circle, & any other time I can. Sorry, fruit of the world but I am gonna share the energy with others.

Meditating every day now, usually twice a day. On a 40 day challenge right now that ends on 11/11/11. Should be a powerful day. Expecting a shift in the Universe. Thousands around the world are participating & the mantra is so powerful.

Just finished reading "The Way of the Peaceful Warrior" by Dan Millman. Truly life changing & has complimented my Journey so much. Gave me a lot to think about, reflect on, & put into practice. I cannot heal the world without healing myself, but by healing myself I can heal my world.

I have a story to tell. My story can help others. It is time to get back to my writing on a regular basis (all the messages that come to me through my own meditation, my guides, from others, & through card readings keep telling me to get back to creating). Everyday I need to carve out time to write. A few minutes or a few hours. The book may never be published except by me. No one may read it but my friends & family but it will be there for them to read, to understand my Life, to witness the Journey, & to better understand my Path. Perhaps, just perhaps it will fall into the hands of someone who needs to hear my story & perhaps, just perhaps it will make a difference in someone else's life.

Since I was in college I have had very long hair. At times down to my butt. Always middle of my back at least. Always wore it down or in braids. My hair was always something that I liked about myself. I clung to that long hair with all my might. Rarely let anyone cut it more that just a slight trim. So afraid they would lop it off. Like Samson, my strength was in my hair. Actually, I hid behind my hair. People would comment on it, see it therefore I did not have to show them me. Then last year I wanted a change. First I cut it several inches but it was still longer. Then I changed the style, several times. Had a keriton treatment so that my natural curl would stay straightened, then I went shorter & back to curls. Then I went shorter still. Now it is SHORT (about 2 inches all over). Funny, the more I cut my hair the more free I became. I became more me. The more I want to let others see ME!! I got nothin' to hide behind now. I am FREE!! It is amazing how that symbolic gesture gave me such an exhilerating feeling.

Peace, freedom to be completely myself, contentment, confidence in my Path, acceptance of my Journey have been hard-won for me. But all pretense is now gone in my life. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I have only to be true to myself, true to my Journey. It is ok to be me. Everyone may not agree with my beliefs, my views, or who I am but my true friends love me & accept me as I stand before them. They may not understand it all, they may not completely understand me but they accept me & they love me unconditionally. Being authentic is the best gift I can give them. By being authentic I love them, accept them, & honor them just as they are even though I may not totally understand their views & beliefs.

We are each on our own Journey, following the Path that we believe is right for us. No one can take that from us, no one can detour us off the road without our permission. Be true to your Journey, find your Path & walk it with integrity, peace, acceptance, & love for all living beings. I choose to live by this premise - Harm None!! Every day I remind myself of this. It helps me choose my words, apologize when I fail, & approach everyone with whom I come in contact with Love, Kindness, & Blessings.

I am grateful for all that has been shown to me so far. I thank the Universe for the Enlightenment I have achieved, & I look forward to the next step.

~~blessed be...

Life happens...

2011-09-11T14:34:00.023-05:00

There was a dawn I remember when
my soul heard something from your soul.
I drank water from your spring
and felt the current take me.
Rumi ♥

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In December it will be 12 yrs since I returned to OK. WOW!! So much has happened in those 12 yrs. My son & daughter-in-law were married, my 3 grandchildren were born, my brother died, several dearly loved friends died, my Mom re-married, my Mom died. Reconnected with old friends, made new friends. The Path I was on was new, very new. The Journey sometimes took detours. My life was on hold for awhile. And now...now I am back on track. The Path is not so new anymore & the signs are easier to follow. The Journey is back on track. I am again walking the Road that brings me peace, joy, contentment, & enlightenment.

I am in a learning phase once more. Feeding my Spirit, feeding my hunger for a better understanding of my Purpose. Reading, meditating, listening, watching, waiting, growing. I have learned patience. I have learned compassion. I have learned how much strength I truly possess. I have learned tolerance, understanding, acceptance. I work every day to put all that I have learned into practice. There are still days that I fail miserably. But, that is a part of learning. So I pick myself up, brush myself off, & get back on the Path. I ask Great Spirit to guide me. I ask my totem to guide me. I ask the angels to guide me. I ask that all I came here to accomplish will be revealed to me.

I dream alot lately. I always dream but now I seem to remember more. Some are just haunting. Some cause me to awake screaming. Some are truly evil but always have a good outcome. Some I do not understand but they rest in my heart until I am ready for the message. I think alot of poison is being cleared out. Fears, anger, crap. All being cleared away in my dreams. I thank my guides for this cleansing.

Hawks are all around me. I see them everywhere. Outside my office window, circling above my house. Riding in the truck I glance to the side of the road & there sits a hawk gazing at me. Hawks are following me. I am going to invite Hawk into my dreams & see what message he has for me. Seems from my research Hawk is associated with cleansing, traveling back to our roots & accessing our ancestrial wisdom as well as traveling into the past. Found some good information at http://mystinwolf.tripod.com/hawktotemguide.html

Guess Great Spirit & Wolf are going to have some company as they guide me on my quest.

The Journey continues...

~~blessed be...

and the beat goes on...& on...& on

2011-09-05T12:52:00.002-05:00

August 26, 1966

Big Guy 2011

Me 2011

Each year as the mornings get cooler, the breezes signaling Autumn begin to blow, & August 26th approaches my thoughts turn to the latter months of my 14th year. That was the day I meet my "forever love" the first boy to kiss me, the first boy that fell in love with me & I with him. And we have loved each other for 45 yrs now. Almost always from afar. We are both grown now, both in the latter months of our 59th year. We have history together, we have history apart from each other, & we have baggage. We still talk on the phone, we still pick up right where we left off. What we cannot seem to do is build a life together, a life in the same locale. Maybe we are not meant to do so in this incarnation. Maybe it's because we each have a life where we are, & are unwilling to see if we can create a life together somewhere else. But we love each other & are great friends. Always will be.

He never thought he would live past 30 - I thought I would live the happily ever after fairy tale. We got fooled. But had I lived the fairy tale (and I tried it twice) I would have died young, most likely at my own hand. Had he died by 30 we would have never gotten the opportunity to reconnect as "grownups", to find out who we grew up to be, to share in the triumphs & tragedies that come with adulthood. He was by my side when my beloved brother crossed over. He was my rock in the days, months, & year following Dave's departure. He took care of me when my body shut me down & all I could do was sleep. He knew when to leave me alone & when to be by my side. He made the phone calls I could not. He cooked when I did not want to eat. He took care of me. No one had before or has since taken care of me. He is the one who has always understood I am not a strong sometimes as the outside world thinks. It is nice to have someone who knows that.

So, since I believe everything is as it should be with the Universe & that there are no coincidences I know that we have, & are, walking the Paths that are an important part of our Journey. We are both Seekers, but we seek in different ways on different Paths. But our Journeys are still deeply entwined, deeply rooted in a 45 yr old love that happened on a cool, crisp Oklahoma morning on a long walk holding hands, sharing kisses, & talking as 14 yr olds do a very long time ago when we were both living different lives & when we thought life would be very different as the years went on. When we thought life would always be a walk hand in hand with beautiful mornings, sunshine, laughter, & love. We had no idea how dark the Road would get, how lost we could become, & how hard it would be to find the Road back to the sunny side of the street.

We walk in the sunshine now albiet on separate Paths. Both on our Journeys, both Seekers, both still loving the other with that same love that happened on a cool, crisp Oklahoma morning. We still believe in that dream & I think that is what keeps us coming back. We each represent something sweet, innocent, & hopeful to the other. That's what I want to feel with my last breath - the knowledge that someone loved me for many, many years. Loved me just as I am at any given moment. Maybe we will have learned enough lessons in this Life that we will find that our Paths will be the same Path in the next incarnation. Until then, we live our lives, follow our hearts where they may lead us, & no matter who or what is in our lives we are always a part of each other - forever 14 - hand & hand on a cool, crisp Autumn morning in Oklahoma. Love you Big Guy - then, now, forever!

~~blessed be...

So much happening...

2011-08-14T22:40:00.000-05:00

WOW!! I cannot believe I have been away from blogging for so long. It has been quite the hectic 7 months. As you know, dear readers, my Mom died December 1st & I believe I have also mentioned that Sparky's Mother fell the end of December. From there the year has been a down-hill slide. Sometimes fast, sometimes we hit a plateau, sometimes we just hung onto a tree or braced ourselves against a rock. But we would always slide downhill again. After assisted living, hospital, blood infection, nursing home, readying a room at Sparky's for Miss E to move into, another infection, another hospital stay, back to the nursing home, then with another hospital trip we finally hit the bottom. Sparky's Mother, my beloved Miss E, quietly crossed over to the Other Side on July 31st. I was by her side as she made her Journey.

I was, however, able to take my Reiki Level 1 class & become a Level 1 practioner. Looks like I will be able to take Reiki Level 2 in September. Really looking forward to that class. I met the most amazing people in my first class. They all blessed me in such different ways. But I walked away enriched for having met each of them. Amazing conversations. Wonderful exchange of ideas, beliefs, etc without any negativity. A total sharing & learning experience. Honest, open, & loving.

Finding time to practice has been difficult. I do give myself Reiki before I go to bed each night. I am sleeping so good - soundly & peacefully. I actually am able to sleep in on the weekends now (so long as no one calls & wakes me up at 10:15 as has happened the last 2 Saturdays). I have been meditating also but not so much as I was a couple of months ago. I attended my first Healing Circle last month - it was AWESOME. Healing Circle for August is tomorrow night (it is held near or on Full Moon) & I am so looking forward to the meditation as well as the communion with like-minded souls.

So that, dear ones, is the Reader's Digest Condensed Version of the last few months. Stay tuned for the continuation of my Journey. I think it is going to be a wonderful ride & I hope you come along with me.

Note: Thanks KT for checking on me, for caring, & for missing me here in the blogasphere. I promise I'm back!!

~~blessed be...

Dreams

2011-05-22T11:50:00.000-05:00

Last night I dreamed that I was with a very large group of people who seemed to be trying to help someone else. At one point there was a large group of us gathered around a table for a meal & we were talking about how to best help this other person. At some point, the person we were there to interact with came in & immediately began to verbally attack us. Wanted us off his property, didn't want us talking to his family, etc. During the conversation with my "group" I had been talking about shape shifting - changing from myself into my totem. I have always been interested in shape shifting but had never associated it with becoming my totem. My totem has been with me since childhood & often comes to me in my dreams, in meditation, during Reiki, & in my everyday life. I see him often. Sometimes I see his pack. But the Great Grey Wolf is always beside me. The only time he has not been with me was when I sent him to Afghanistan with a friend's son who was serving there. When the soldier came home safely, my totem returned to me but that young man is forever a part of my Tribe & has wolf medicine around him if he will call on it for help & guidance.

But, back to my dream. As I have thought about it this morning, I know that the dream signifies the changes that are occuring in me with regard to becoming more in tune with my gifts. I know it signifies a shifting of energy within me. I also know that the person who was angry & throwing us off his property signifies that these shifts in energy & my expanding Enlightenment scare some people. They are threatened by it because they do not understand it. Also, because there was a group of like-minded people with me & I know it signifies the people with whom I am now coming in contact. People who are also feeling the "shift" around us. A growing conciousness of that which is greater, a shift of energy that is coming rapidly that will effect our Planet, our understanding of all that is unseen by human eyes, but that can be seem by Spiritual eyes. That which is being revealed all around us to seerers, psychics, New Agers, seekers, teachers, Spiritual practitioners. I believe that is what the Mayan Calendar is speaking of - a shift in energy, a shift in enlightenment, a shift in understanding that shift is being revealed to me & it came to me in my dream as a desire to become a Shape Shifter.

From Wikipedia: Shapeshifting is a common theme in mythology and folklore as well as in science fiction and fantasy. In its broadest sense, it is when a being has the ability to alter its physical appearance. The transformation may be purposeful or not, depending on whether it has been the subject of a curse or spell. In some folklore, once the shapeshifter has become transformed, it becomes progressively more difficult for it to return to its original form.

From http://www.angelfire.com/ca6/wiccawitch/frontindex.html Silver Shadow Wolf's webpage
There are two types of shapeshifting. One is where you meet your Power Animal and become one with it on the astral level. The other is where the Native Americans believed that you can change your physical form on the earth plane. Shamans are said to be able to change their physical self into their Power Animal thus becoming one. Some humans have been known to become possessed by their animal spirit and although they may not 'become' that animal, their bodies and voices take on their Power Animal features.

I have been told many times that I have "Wolf Eyes" I know Great Grey & I have been connected on the astral level since I was 9 or 10. In the past 15-20 yrs we have been becoming increasingly more connected on the physical level. I think this dream was a confirmation that as my energy shifts I will begin to possess more & more of Great Grey's characteristics. I already have many of them. I am deeply loyal, I value teamwork, I am deeply tied to my Tribe (my Pack), once a relationship is damaged I do not trust that person again, I am solitary at times, I am comfortable observing without being seen, I know my terrain well, & I can travel miles without breaking stride (figuratively as well as physically).

So, my shape is shifting. My energy is shifting. My Life is shifting. Great Grey will be with me every step of the way guiding, protecting, walking beside me. We are each other's Spiritual Alpha.

The Journey continues as the Path becomes clearer!!

~~blessed be...

Be your authentic self...

2011-05-15T13:17:00.000-05:00

“Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.” -John Jakes

***********************************************************************************

Well, life has been a bit hectic around here. But I know the Universe is putting me where I need to be, not only for myself but for others, every moment of every day. Maybe sometimes more for others than myself.

My friend, Sparky's Mother has been having quite the Journey. She fell the first part of the year, broke her back, spent 5 1/2 weeks in the hospital, had a procedure to fix her back, had a procedure to stretch her esophogus so she can eat, & then went back to live in her house where she has lived for almost 40 yrs. BTW, she is 91 yrs old. It became obvious to us that she could not live alone anymore when we realized that she once again was unable to eat properly. Very little stayed down including water. So we moved her to a wonderful assisted living center where she has home health care. She was not happy even though she agreed to the move. Then she fell twice but did not tell us. So in the two weeks she had been there she fell twice, the not eating thing got worse, she decided she needed a wheelchair because she could not walk, developed two pressure sores on her backside, then slipped into what can only be described as a coma. She could not be woken up, if she awoke she went right back to sleep. So off to ER. Now she is in hospital - finally awake, infection from the pressure sores but internally where it could not be seen, several different antibiotics, near death, visitations from Spirits, trips to a parallel plane of existance (I beleive between this Life & the Other Side). Yesterday, she remembered my visit last week, remembered Sparky, said her "dreams" seemed so real. She said she liked all the trips she took. She went to Missouri one day. Sparky explained them to her the way I had explained them to him. He told her it was ok to go the next time someone came for her. She has adamantly stated she is not ready & they will have to drag her over. So totally her. So, I have once again been involved in elder medical emergencies. We shall just have to wait & see how her Journey plays out. Her Path may lead to the Other Side shortly & it may not for awhile. She is getting rehab to help her regain her ability to walk but we know she will never be able to live alone again. More decisions for Sparky to make.

I had mentioned that I was going for Reiki which was something I had been interested in for a very long time. Figured I would have to make an out of town trip to do so, but as Destiny would have it there is a Third Level Reiki Master in my small Oklahoma town. There are no accidents in the Universe. So, I had my first session & it was AWESOME. My Totem was there, I went into a very deep meditative state, & felt so good afterward. I have had pain & stiffness in my upper neck where my spinal column meets my head for years. Massage does not help, chiropractic does not help. I no longer have that pain/stiffness. I have now had 2 one hour sessions, & one 30 minute session. During the last session I felt my right side between my shoulder & hip begin to spasm just under my rib cage. I could only think it was a muscle spasm which I have had in that same spot several times during massage. But as soon as I named the sensation, I saw it - a solid black mass that was probably 12 inches wide & 2-3 feet in length. It was very dark, very ugly, & very heavy. Then I felt it move, when it moved it dissapated & I felt the most wonderful feeling that can only be described as freedom sweep over me. Then my Spirit floated out of my body & stayed just above me as the Reiki energy flowed through me. I lost all sense of time & space. I just was. I am always saying to people "Just be" & that is what I did. Everything went away & I was just present. Mind clear, fully present. That feeling has stayed with me ever since. In case you are not familar with Reiki here is a link & some information.

http://thereikisourceok.com

REIKI(pronounced 'ray-key') is a natural therapy that uses healing energy to increase well-being, support healing, reduce pain and balance the body's energy.

Rei ... in the word Reiki means universal, all encompassing, everywhere. The Japanese kanji character for Rei means higher knowledge or spiritual consciousness, wisdom that comes from God Who can heal all things.

Ki ... in the word Reiki means life force energy. This energy is within all of us as long as we are alive. If this life energy is low, we are more prone to illness and dis-ease. Ki is the energy of our physical body, emotions, thoughts and spirit and is present in all living things.

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Through finding my Reiki Master I have found a group of like-minded people. People I never expected to find in OK, people I have been lamenting were not here for 10 yrs. Now, at the right time I have found them. When we were together the other night I said "I have been searching for so long, & now I am Home." "I have come Home".
This is a part of my Journey. My Path is leading me onward toward the prophecy that a psychic predicted almost 20 yrs ago. I am a healer. So, I am going to become a Reiki practioner. I will be taking my Level One class in June. I am very much at peace with this decision.

I am now going through my days peaceful, contented, positive, & with a feeling of inner Purpose. I have stopped swearing, I am meditating every day. I play soothing music in my office every day. I am calm. I smile at everyone (I did this alot anyway but now there is a different feel to it) I am learning not to be sucked into the negativity of others. I had a moment where that happened & it made me physically ill so I had to bless that person & release them to the care of the Universe but out of my life. I just can no longer allow toxicity in my Journey.

Most importantly I can just BE. Be my true, authentic self. Be in my beliefs with no need to explain them beyond "This is what I believe/feel" Be conciously in Spirit. Not just walk my Path, but to be my Path, be my Journey. Know that I am a Spiritual being having a human experience. An experience that I chose when I chose to come to this world in human form. I hope to remember the lessons I said I wanted to learn here. I hope to become the person I said I wanted to become. I have taken many roads to get to this spot. But I am where I am meant to be at this place in time. And I know true joy.

Maybe I will find out why I am here again. Do I have unfinished business, was a previous Journey cut short, did I not complete the mission I chose for myself, or did I just like it here & came back for another Experience? Don't know yet. I do know that I have been here at least once before. I also know that Cowboy, Ex #2, was in that life with me. We lived in Nevada in the '80s. One weekend we went to Virginia City which is now a tourist attraction. We were just walking around, looking at different buildings, shops, etc. As we stepped up on a sidewalk & took steps past a saloon I stopped. I looked at him & said "We have done this before" I could see us, knew who we were in the 1800's I worked in that saloon, he was a gambler (as he is in this life also), & he had been killed in Virginia City. I was his woman then too. I have always thought we were together again because our Journey together before had been cut short before its appointed time. I stayed with him for several years after I should have left (he was abusive) because I wanted to "do it right" this go around. Don't know if we did or not. I think about him often. I loved him very much.

So, that's what's been up with me. I am looking forward to learning more, becoming more Enlightened, & continuing to grow in this Journey. Let's see where the Path leads.

~~blessed be...

A Spirit Day

2011-04-10T19:03:00.003-05:00

Today was a day to feed my Spirit. It began with a YouTube video on the White Buffalo. There were a couple of videos that moved me deeply.   I have also included The Legend of White Buffalo Calf Woman   http://www.buffalomessengers.org/
& http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFJ5RnnlamQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJrpZi33gnI

Then I listened to an interview with Dr. Wayne Dyer. This afternoon I watched the movie Eat Pray Love. All fed my Spirit in different ways. But all brought me such peace & hope.

This past week had been a difficult one for me emotionally. I think it is just that I had become so out of balance over the past 3-4 months & I was having a hard time finding my way back. Mostly because everytime I would start to become centered once more another "something" would come up that I had to deal with. Another "mess" that my Mom had left which fell to me to cleanup. It may never end, but I cannot live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. So, on Friday afternoon I had a massage. A very gentle relaxing massage for an hour. It was the most relaxing massage I have had in years. It was truly an exchange of energy between the masseuse & myself. The masseuse even commented that he had enjoyed massaging me. That it was not a "job" as with some people. I just totally gave myself over to the experience & was able to meditate through it.

I also went in search of a Reiki practioner &, unbelievably, I found one in my small OK town who is a 3rd level Reiki Master. Next Friday afternoon I am having Reiki done. Tonight I intend to get back to a regular practice of meditation.

There has been so much garbage thrown at me to handle in the last few months. Most of it was unexpected. And I have been angry about some of it. But I think mostly I have been feeling put upon. Some of it has robbed me of my peace simply by the nature of the individuals with whom I had to deal. I realize that no one can take something from me that I do not allow to be taken, but out of frustration, angry, & disappointment I allowed myself to fall into old patterns. And being angry at a dead person is very counter-productive.

So, I have realized that I still had lessons to learn about my relationship with my Mom. Mostly it came down to acceptance of the fact that even though my Mom loved me she was a lousy mother to me & quite frankly she did not value me as a person. Even from the grave she is a lousy mother because she left a mess behind of which I was unaware.

I think mostly that is because she did not want to understand me. Did not want to know why I am so very different from her. It bothered her tremendously that I was the polor opposite of her. She was appalled that I refused to keep the family secrets. She was offended by my honesty, my outspoken attitude, my beliefs, & my Journey. She wanted me to go quietly through life pretending. I cannot be that person. The years I tried to be that person almost killed me. I do, however, understand that who I am threatened her sense of wellbeing, her security, her peace of mind. I know that I made her face things about herself that were painful. I refused to let her live her lies when I was around. I would call her on it, tell her how it had all affected me, how hard I had worked to forgive & to become someone I respected. Quite frankly, I loved my Mama, but I did not respect her. She lived a lie, she perpetuated the lies never caring for the harm it did to her children. But mostly she ignored me. For most of my adult life she was not in my life because she did not like the fact I made choices independent of her opinions. Because of that she ignored my son, her first grandchild. She had no relationship with him or his family. She barely knew her great-grandchildren's names.  For that I am angry.

Well, blogger somehow lost the last paragraph of this post. So here it is again.

I have once again forgiven my Mama, forgiven myself so that I could forgive her. After all, in order to continue my Journey I must express forgiveness - I must live my mantra "Harm None".   I never meant to harm Mama by finding myself just as she never intended to harm me in walking her Path. Sometimes it just works out that way. Especially when we do not communicate honestly & authentically. Feelings get hurt, misconceptions abound.   So, now I am again on my Journey, walking the Path toward more Enlightenment. I am in the Winter of my Life. I have lived far more years than I have left. I have come to realize that it is not important that I remember so little of my childhood. Whatever happened, happened & even though I cannot remember it has shaped the person I was & most importantly the person I have become. Because through whatever that pain was, it strengthened me. I have found peace in not remembering.

What I know is this: forward is the only direction I know & survival is the only mode I know. I am a survivor, I have survived so much. I am all that is left of my family of origin. I have no parents, no siblings, no grandparents. I am the only one who knows my history to age 18. After that, my history is shared by many others.   I am blessed beyond measure to have my Tribe, the family of my heart. Those individuals who know me best & who love me just as I am today. They know me the most completely. They see my true, authentic self - my Spirit - & they choose to be a part of my Journey. I am blessed & I look forward to the next Adventure - where the Journey will lead me, who I will meet, & what messages I will be given, what lessons I will learn. Today I face Life with a smile. Not only on my lips but deep within my Spirit. I am happy.

~blessed be...

WOW!!

2011-03-26T17:17:00.000-05:00

Hard to believe I haven't posted since January 23rd. Time gets away so fast, & not just when you are having fun. Because overall I have NOT been having fun. My birthday was ok. Turning 59 ain't so bad when you think of those who have not. But, as I told my brother (who died when he was 47) when he told me he really had wanted to live to be 50 - It ain't all it's cracked up to be. Still holds true. Oh, it's not bad. I am healthy, I have a wonderful job, my grandkids are healthy, smart, & beautiful. My son & daughter-in-law are too. My Tribe is always there for me & has been so loving but then they always are. I have such wonderful friends. But even though my Mom & I had a very rocky (to say the least) relationship I have found myself struggling to come to terms with her death at times. I really missed talking to her on my birthday - we always had the same conversation each year but it was realiable.

My step-dad had to have two stints put in so I had to make two trips to OKC - one to get it done & the other to pick him up next day because they kept him overnight. I check in with him at least once a week just to be sure he is ok. It just seemed like all I had been doing was going, going, going. January was a very busy month at work (I'm an accountant & the benefits/payroll adminstrator) with end of year, W-2's, 1099's, beginning of year, normal monthly bills, etc plus I was still cleaning up the mess that my predecessor left (it is now ALL cleaned up). So, to say the least January was a very busy month on all fronts - personal & professional. It also took way too long for the insurance company to pay off on Mom's life insurance policies so that I could pay the funeral home. That is finally all done also. Then my step-dad wanted all my nephew's stuff out of the storage shed. So, I had to coordinate that so that nephew's stuff did not get thrown out for lack of him picking it up. He did, step-dad is happy, I'm done with that task & don't have to hear step-dad complain anymore. Then I had to get Sparky's 2011 files set up in his new office. That is done.

All the above being said, last Tuesday I had a mini-breakdown. Walked in the bathroom to shower & get ready for work & I just started to sob uncontrollably. Could not stop, so I cried in the shower. Finally got myself controlled enough to go to work. But I felt like crap all day. That is when I decided that the Universe is talking & I am not listening. I then decided that this weekend would be a "me" weekend. No going out with Sparky, no doing anything for anyone but myself. Not selfish, just self-preservation. Yesterday, I had a spa day with sauna, Co2 bar, compression therapy. Today was a pedicure after I slept late (9am is late for me). Then I went to lunch at my favorite Mexican restaurant in town, read a book, texted with my dear Sister of my Heart "N", & then I shopped. Took a Starbucks Frappuccino to the pedicure, had a Dos Equis Amber with lunch, then a frozen latte from a local coffee shop after hitting a boutique downtown (bought a few pieces of jewelry at 60% off). Went to Petco & got some stuff for the "boys", came home, changed clothes, put new solar lights on the front walk, put two more flamingos in the front flowerbed, then played fetch with the furbabies. I am having a good day. And, I feel relaxed. Who wouldn't??!?!?!?!

I am re-evaluating my relationships. I am re-evaluating what I want from the rest of my life, who I want to spend my days with, & how I want to spend my time. I have done this once before. The situation was much different but still I was growing in a way that entailed a cutting of cords. That was when I left Dud #2, started a new career, & moved away from a home I loved but where I could not stay if I were to survive & thrive. Now, while I am so much more Enlightened than I was 17 yrs ago, it is again time to get out of the rut in which I find myself stuck. No need to change careers, I already did that last year & I love my job plus I have wonderful co-workers. No need to move away, I am happy where I live - I have a lovely, comfortable home that suits me. But it is time to get back to honoring myself, my likes/dislikes, & doing that which feeds my Spirit. It is time to write again. It is time to get back in touch with old friends. It is time to put myself first. The relationship I am in (if it can be called that) is a dead-end. We are strictly friends, buddies who go places together & hang out together. We are no more that that. We are not "involved". I want love in my life again. I want to feel that rush when I hear a special voice. I do have someone I love & he loves me but we cannot seem to get our act together to be together. Not since we were 14 yrs old. But I will always love him & he will always love me. See below:

***************
Response to: "What is the craziest thing you have done to get a date?"
for complimentary tickets to Just Go With It

************************************************************************************

On August 26th, 1966, I was 14 years old, visiting my cousins in Oklahoma, and was in the process of moving from Monterrey, Mexico to Bogota, Colombia. I'd been in Sulphur, Oklahoma for a week and it was driving me nuts... NO GIRLS!

Just then I look out the window and WOW!, two girls, about my age, sitting on the doorstep next door! I ripped off my shirt, (I was 5'10", weighed 175# and quite fit) grabbed the lawn mower and went out to "strut my stuff" and mow the lawn. Long story made short... Donis and I met at 2pm, had a date at 6pm, kissed by 8pm, were "going steady" by 10pm. I left town the next day at noon!

Flash in the pan??? Puppy love? Nope! Last Wednesday we celebrated Donis' 59th birthday. While we never managed to get married, we've always kept in touch, one way or the other. She's my "forever girl" and I'll always be her "...one that got away..." But she knows that I'll always be there for her.

Today I don't rip my shirt off much, but I'm sure glad it worked out that once!

********************************************

I will forever cherish (Cherish by the Association is our song - has been since we first met) my Big Guy!! He has been the constant in my life through good times & bad. We can talk for hours about everything & nothing. We argue, we disagree, we laugh, we have cried together. He was with me when my brother died. He is always in my heart - he is a part of my Spirit, because on some level I would not be me without him. I would not have had the courage to become me without his love. He knows me completely - good, bad, & otherwise. He will call BS on me but he will also offer a shoulder with no words of criticism when I need it. We would probably destroy each other if we lived in the same house, but on many levels it is so sad we never had our chance.

Thanks, KT over at http://outofmymindbykt.blogspot.com/ for checking in on me, for caring, for asking if I am ok, for worrying. It is appreciated more than you can ever know. Your message came at just the right moment for me. And thanks for the award!!

So, for now I am walking my Path. I am on my Journey once more. I am not yet sure where the Road will lead me, but I know the Universe has a Plan, & I have a Purpose - a Mission. I have been shaken, but I have not been broken. I am a survivor, I have already survived so much. Now I am just going to live my life for me with my eyes ever on the Path. No more doing anything out of obligation. I will only do things out of willingness & Love. Because really...what else is there but Love.

~~blessed be...

Sunday Morning in the South,,,

2011-01-23T08:59:00.000-06:00

Here I am, another Sunday morning. Getting ready for that first cup of coffee, watch some news, start the day. Today, I have to make a start. Start to do something. Start to clean the house or at least put everything where it belongs. Seems like since I got that phone call on Nov 27th I cannot get anything done. Seems as if I have done nothing but run. Run to hospitals, run to Mama's house, run to take care of this person or that person. I love helping my Pops. I take him to his out of town doctor appointments. No big deal there I was doing that when Mama was alive. I check in on my landlord (he is 93) - no big deal there, I was doing that before Mama died. But it seems as though everyone conspired to "need" me as soon as Mama died. As my dear soul-sister, N, tells me I have had no time to grieve. I had the awakening last night that she is so very right. Now I am doing what I should have done a month ago. Sitting & crying.

Today is the day that if I cry it is ok. Today is the day I will at least clean one room of my house. Today is the day I should run the vacuum. Today is the day I actively begin to live in the world where my Mama no longer lives.

I have been taking time for myself, but this weekend is different. I have faced the fact that it is not changes I need to make in my life, it is changes I need to make in my grieving process. I actually need to stop. Just plain stop doing anything that I do not really, really want to do. I need to do for me. Whatever makes me feel stronger, better, clearer, less sad. And I need to stop doing those things that others think will get me through this part of my Journey. Only I know that Path I need to walk to get back to perfect balance/harmony in my Journey. It is ok to be sad, it is ok to sit & cry. It is ok to just be.

I have walked the Path of Grief before. I know it never goes away, but that it only gets less intense. I know how long it takes for that feeling of loss to numb a little. I know how long it takes for a scab to begin to form around the hole in my heart. I have walked this Path before.

This Sunday morning in the South is going to find me working toward getting back to balance in my Life. Physically, Emotionally, Mentally, & Spiritually. Yes, Sissy, I am going the smudge the house!! I need that to clear my home as well as myself. Today will be a day of many things - reflection, meditation, clearing of clutter in home, heart, mind, & spirit.

Today, I will begin working to find peace. Peace on the Path I am now walking on my Journey. I feel the winds of change blowing through my world. Just as I felt them the day I said goodbye to Mama.

~~blessed be...

Dreams

2011-01-08T09:46:00.001-06:00

When I dream they are vivid, very real just like watching events happen to me. It is like I am experiencing what is happening on the movie screen I am watching, but I am also an active participant. My dreams have always been this way. My visions are different so I always know the difference. The thing is though that my dreams also carry messages, lead me on my Journey.

Last night I dreamed of Cowboy, Ex #2. I was living in the house I am in now, but it was different in some aspects. Such as my patio door had a screen door also which it does not now, but I have thought about putting one up. Decided not to because my furkiddos scratch the door to come back in. Screen would be ruined. In my dream, Cowboy stuck his head through the screen & spoke to me. Scared the hell outta me. Then he came in my house. As soon as he did this I dialed Sparky on my cell & told him my ex was here & I would call him later. I was scared but more angry that Cowboy had once again violated me, my space. He had on a uniform & told me he had rang my doorbell because he was selling security systems. The doorbell had not rung, but there was paperwork on my door. He did not know I lived there but he came through my back gate (broke it BTW) & came in my back door. I berated him for all of this. How dare he. Get out of my home, never come back. Fix my gate, you almost let my dogs out. Then he was gone, just laughing at me. Said he would be back. Crap I thought he had quit invading my dreams years ago.

I think I know what this dream was about & why the maifestation was Cowboy. He always intruded in my Journey, did not like my Journey, did not want me to have my Journey or a Life without him, He did not want me to walk a Path that was separate from him, one that he did not understand. My spirituality scared him. Lately, my life has been invaded by quite simply everyone. Several people/situations have demanded my attention since my Mama's death. My step-dad is having some health concerns & there is only me to deal with them. I will be taking 2 days off work next week to deal with eye problems (laser surgery) that are exacerbated by his diabetes (he is going blind in one eye), then he has to have an angioplasty because his cardiologist found some "concerns" at his appointment last week. I have lots of questions for that doctor since I have no idea what he is "concerned" about. My elderly landlord has been sick & in the hospital & now is moving to a new assisted living facility (he has distanced himself from his only child & grandchildren). Sparky's Mom fell & has a compressed lumbar fracture. It is getting worse, surgery would fix it but requires general anesthesia (not safe for a 91 yr old) so she has to use a bone building nasal spray (which she doesn't want to do) & wear a brace (which she hates). Also she has trouble swallowing so we are worried she will choke to death. She cannot have this corrected either because it also requires general anesthesia. Now I have to find out if Ensure has dairy in it because she says she cannot have dairy. Since when??? We are trying to get home health care approved for her. And so it goes.

Then this is January. January is a big, work-filled month when you are an accountant. I have books to close, books to open, reports to file, forms to fill out. I will be working some this weekend, late nights, early mornings. And all my normal work to do: bills to pay, payroll, insurance questions. And so it goes.

I think it all manifested as Cowboy. I think the uniform signified the duty I feel to all these people. The obligation to take care of them, to be their advocate. I think his coming through the door was the manifestation of all this being dumped on me. I love these people, I want to be a help to all of them, but I am still grieving. I just have not had, nor do I see it in the forseeable future, any time alone to just be with my grief. Maybe I am not meant to wallow in it. I think the broken gate signified that no one asks, they all just assume. That is, I know, because they all see me as strong, capable, & knowledgable - able to communicate with healthcare professionals in a civil manner. I have so much compassion for the sick, elderly, & dying, It is a part of my Journey.

Yesterday I had an eye appointment out of town. Long overdue for new glasses. Driving there I had the overwhelming sense of freedom. All alone in the car, listening to music, watching the scenery. Free!! I had a very good afternoon alone, eyes examined, new glasses picked out & picked up, prescription sunglasses ordered to be mailed to me in a couple of weeks. Insurance paid for it all. Then I did some shopping. Just strolled through Target & Sam's taking my time. Then a sandwich at Panera Bread for supper. Nice drive home chatting on the phone with one of my heart-sisters.

So, I will get everything done efficiently without grumbling. I will handle what the Universe sends to me. I will walk my Path. February will come & I will continue on with the year facing whatever must be faced.

~~blessed be...

Christmas Memories

2010-12-25T08:51:00.001-06:00

When I was a little girl my Granddaddy always gave me a box of Brachs Chocolate Covered Cherries for Christmas. When he died, no one bought me chocolate covered cherries at Christmas anymore. When I was married to ex #2 I shared this Christmas memory one year. That Christmas I received a box of chocolate covered cherries & he told me they were from my Granddaddy. That is one of my best memories of that marriage. Someone loved me enough to listen to how important that memory was to me, and saw to it that I knew he knew it was special to me. Now I buy them for myself every Christmas & remember childhood Christmases. I did it this year too. It was very important to do this year. I have had one or two of them every few days. I will finish the box tonight when I am home after spending the day with friends & having dinner with them.

I remember the year I was 16 or 17 & my family went to see all the Christmas lights in the nearest big town. Back when stores stayed open late & were located on Main Street. Music played, all the windows were decorated, & as we walked in & out of stores I would comment on things I liked. We would then stroll on, me & Mama. As I would later learn Daddy would wait until we were in the next store & he would buy me everything I had picked out. All those gifts were under the tree on Christmas morning - the peach colored bucket type shoulder bag, the arora borealis crystal pendant. There was more but those two I have always remembered. But mostly I remember the beauty of walking in & out of the stores so beautifully lighted with lovely Christmas music playing. I always loved to shop with Mama. We had so much fun looking at things, commenting, watching people, trying on clothes & shoes. We would have lovely lunches & shop some more. No one was a better shopping partner than my Mama. I wish I had known the last time we shopped together would be the last time. I took it for granted. Now I cherish the memories.

Merry Christmas, dear readers!! Cherish each day, each memory you make as if it is the last one. Make today a special memory for your family & for you.

~~blessed be...

I remember Mama...

2010-12-13T20:13:00.000-06:00

I am not one of those people who immediately, upon the death of a loved one, make them into a saint. I remember my departed loved ones quite honestly. I have been doing the same throughout the weekend with my memories of my Mama. We had such a turbulent, conflicted, not always pleasant relationship. But there were other times that we had such a great time together, really enjoyed each other's company. Lots of times we had fun, laughed, acted silly, & just hung out.

In the words of Maya Angelou "We do the best we can & when we know better we do better". That pretty much sums it up. Mama did the best she knew how when I was growing up & when she knew better she did better with me. But it took us years to come to being comfortable as mother & daughter. She was always amazed when she would find out that I didn't know something. Like the fact she thought I was pretty. She never told me that until a few years ago. She "thought" I knew. She also thought I knew,without her telling me, that I was smart, she was proud of me, & that she loved me. Well, guess what, I did not know those things. That is why it is so special to me that I was the last person she spoke to & that those words were "bye bye" "I love you". I think she came back just so I could hear those words, & could know without a doubt that my Mama loved me.

We went almost 20 yrs without really speaking & never seeing each other. I would always call during the Holidays & her birthday. She never called me. Never knew until it was all over how abusive my 2nd marriage was & how I had self-medicated. She always refused to believe I was an alcoholic/addict. She never saw me that way & for my Mama who always wanted everything to be perfect she had to believe it was not that way. She had a vision of me that was impossible for me to live up to, but in these last 10 or so years she had come to appreciate the woman I have evolved into. The belief system I have, the values I cherish, the strength & get it done attitude I have adopted. I heard her tell one of her friends one day "We'll ask Donis, she always knows what to do & she will know how to solve this" High compliment indeed.

I have been known in my family as "Wild Child" for a very long time because I was the adventurous one -the one with the gypsy soul. The one who could just pack up the car & move across the Country on a whim because it sounded like fun or because whereever I was just wasn't working for me. I think that independence both awed & scared my Mama. I think she would have liked to have had the adventures I had, but I think that my having those adventures scared the hell out of her, for me.

But in the end, I came back to Oklahoma. Came home to take care of Mama, but then took care of my brother instead. Now I have honored Mama's final requests, carried out her final wishes. Took care of business just as she knew I would when she gave me the instructions over & over. Knew I would make sure the doctors did not prolong her life artificially. Knew I would voice her wishes & carry them out. Knew I had the strength to do it all. Knew I could do her funeral service. And I did it all. Because Mama knew I would.

Several months ago I said to a friend "I'm here because I will have to take care of Mama at some point. When she is gone there will be nothing to keep me here & I will move on with my life somewhere else. Maybe I will return to Seattle or move to Florida. Who knows." Well, I love my job. I love my house. I have a life here that works for me. So, I am after all, an Oklahoma Girl. And it appears that here is where I will stay. I still have a gypsy soul but my adventures will keep me closer to my roots for now.

I will continue to remember Mama. Tonight I almost called her then remembered that I couldn't. I don't imagine that will be the last time this happens.

~~blessed be...

Hit the ground running

2010-12-05T10:32:00.000-06:00

That's what my dear friend Sparky said to me yesterday when he asked how my day was going & I told him I just seemed to do nothing but sitting in the recliner & resting. So he told me to take care so that on Monday morning I could return to work and hit the ground running. Yep I said. I'll do that & when people ask how are you I will lie and say fine.

***********************

7:15am Wednesday, 12/01/2010 my Mama went Home to be with my brother, all who have crossed over before her, & her Savior. She is happy, whole, no more worries. Her service was Thursday, 12/02/2010 in my hometown. She had requested a graveside service, closed casket, no wake or viewing. Mama wanted her earthly body to be buried immediately so according to her wishes this was done. We were able to go to the funeral home & view her body one last time before the casket was sealed.

This is something my Mama wrote about grace that I found going through her papers the day she died. I read it at her funeral.

Grace

Ephesians 2:8 & 9

For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God not of works, lest any man should boast.

************

The grace of God says because you are saved, not in order to be saved. You are not trying to keep a legalistic system. You are responding to a system of love and peace.

What is grace? It's what someone gives us out of the goodness of his heart, not out of the perfection of ours. The story of grace is the good news that says that when we come, He gives. That's what grace is.

Grace is a pleasant surprise. Grace is a kind gesture. Grace is something you did not expect. It is something you certainly could never earn, But grace is something you'd never turn down.

You know what happens when someone sees the grace of God? When someone really tastes the forgivng and liberating grace of God? Someone who tastes God's grace is the hardest worker, the most morally pure individual, and the person most willing to forgive.

Roberta LaDell (Groomer) Dowling Bolich

08/27/1932 - 12/01/2010

******************

The following poem was paperclipped to the inside cover of her Bible. I also read it at the end of her service.

"Miss Me, But Let Me Go"

When I come to the end of the road,

And the sun has set for me.

I want no rites in a gloom filled room,

Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little, but not too long

And not with your head bowed low.

Remember the love that we once shared,

Miss me and let me go!

For this is the journey that we all

Must take, And each must go alone!

It's all a part of the "Master's" plan,

A step on the road to home,

When you are lonely and sick of heart,

Go to the friends we know,

And bury your sorrows in good deeds.

Miss me, but let me go.

**************************

So here, where I always speak the truth, I am NOT fine. I am numb, I am sad, I cannot believe my Mama is no longer a phone call away. I have not really cried, I have been too busy being strong & taking care of all that I have had to do since last Saturday. Too many arrangements to make, doctors, hospice, going through her things (thanks so much to my dearest Aunt for helping me go through Mama's things & picking her final clothing). Tears are coming and I know I just need to sob out my heart to Great Spirit, to the Universe. But I am so afraid that if I start I may never stop. I got to hear my Mama say "I love you" one last time, she told me bye bye before she closed her eyes for what would be her final earthly sleep. I know by brother came for her because she told me he was there. I know she is so happy to be reunited with him, her parents, and all the rest. But I want my Mama, Damnit I want my Mama. I want her to say "Donis" in that way that only she could. Usually because she was appalled by something I had said or because she didn't want to laugh a some comment I had made or a joke I had told her. But I remember her laugh when I would do my comedy routine for her. She made me promise to never do it publically until she was dead because she was afraid someone would recognize her. Now I don't want to do it without her. But I know, after all these years & all our ups & downs, that beyond a shadow of a doubt my Mama loved me. I am so friggin tried of being strong. It is time to just lay down & weep. I have let you go Mama just as you asked but I miss you so much. It will be a long time before I am able to be "me" again. But I will never be the me I was last week, for I have been forever changed. I am all that is left of the family with whom I grew up. I am alone with my memories. No one remembers what I remember any more. There is no one left with whom I share history from my childhood. My shared history is now only 34 yrs old - the history I share with my beloved son.

Gotta go now. I will write more about Mama as the days, weeks go by. There is so much to share. So much I don't want to lose. I love you Mama!!

~~blesssed be...

Away

2010-11-30T07:30:00.000-06:00

It has been awhile since I posted. I have been formulating several posts as well as a book review. Unfortunately, Saturday night, Life stepped in & took control of my Journey. My Mom had a massive heart attack. She was brought by the paramedics after 15 minutes. The doctors have given us no hope for recovery so we have brought her home for Hospice care. She is improving somewhat, however, it may only be the rally before the end. I will post at length about this Journey later, but I just wanted ya'll to know what is going on in my life. So, dear readers, I will be back with archived writings, the book review, as well as reflections on this Journey that my Mom & I are now on together.

~~blessed be...

The Home Place

2010-09-30T20:58:00.001-05:00

The house that built me was not the house that I shared with my parents. The house that built me belonged to my Granddaddy & my Nanny. Those of you who are Southern & Country understand the term "the homeplace." It's the place where your roots are buried deep. It's the place where you felt like you were truly home. Safety, security, love, warmth - the homeplace.
Mine is a small farmhouse on a dairy farm. 200 acres of barns, fields, Jersey cows, dirt, pastures, ponds, woods - they all make up the homeplace. Anytime I was back in Oklahoma I would drive out to the farm my family no longer owns. I would sit in the driveway & look at the house, the dairy barn & let the memories take me back. I could see it all again. The dairy up & running, cows in the fields, hear the John Deere tractor off in a hay field, see my Nanny working in the garden, & a blond haired blued-eyed girl lying in the grass watching the clouds drift by.
Sometimes I would get out of the car & walk around a bit. Took alot of pictures one day. I would always touch the ground & feel the life of that place flow through me once again. I have always & will always belong to that land. There are the happy memories of my childhood.
Yep, that house built me. The values I learned there have stayed with me for over 5 decades. I can still hear the voices of my grandparents. I can still see them even though they have been gone from this world for many years. My Granddaddy died when I was 16, my Nanny when I was in my mid-30's (on my birthday). But they are never far from my thoughts or my heart. For they, perhaps more than anyone else, helped shape the woman I am today. I was cherished in that house. I was valuable in that house. I was loved, respected, & taught so much in that house.
No matter how far we travel our raising wins out. Mine has as I get older & am once again drawn toward the house that built me. It is time to hold that soil that was farmed by my family in my hand once again, it is time to look at the fields, remember learning to milk a cow, gathering vegetables from the garden, running across fields free with a border collie by my side. Waterboy is buried on that land. He was my first dog, & he is the reason I love dogs. He was the smartest dog I ever knew. He was a joy to watch working cattle. He lived to be 20. He was in my life from my birth & I mourned his passing when I was not quite in my teens.
The Homeplace. The house that built me. To quote another country song "the roots of my raisin' run deep". I hope you, too, have a home place. A place where all that is good about you was built.
~~blessed be...

And the winner is...

2010-09-29T22:27:00.000-05:00

Back in the day I was a very angry person. I'm talking the seeing red, totally loosing control, scream, shout, rant & rave kind of anger. It would come out of nowhere & completely overtake me. In the midst of full-blown rage I would sometimes feel as if I were out of my body watching this total train wreck, but completely incapable of stopping what was going on right in front of me. Sadly, I was totally married to that anger. It was an anger that I hated, but could not seem to control. It was a scary kind of anger. Scary to be lashing out in such a negative, hurtful way. Anger was my power.

I did not want to be that person. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. There was a lot of anger in my childhood home. A lot of anger. The same anger in which I could loose myself. I hated who I was when the anger took over. Hated that I could not control the outbursts. As I began to better understand myself, I began to get a handle on the anger. Once I understood where the anger was coming from, once I acknowledged my pain, I was able to begin to control the ugliness.

I had always thought if I forgave people for their short-comings, their indiscretions, the pain I had been caused that I would somehow forget & continue to allow people to take advantage, hurt me, treat me as less than a valuable person. That in forgiving I would give others a power over me. Hey, I forgive you. Color me a fool.

As Maya Angelou says "When we know better, we do better." Well, I learned better. Forgiveness had absolutely nothing to do with the other person & everything to do with me. My well-being, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, & even physically depended on forgiveness. I had to forgive everyone & I had to forgive myself. The day I sat down & actually said the words out loud "I forgive you", I was FREE. Free of all the anger, free of resentment, free to breathe, free to live fully. Most of those people have no idea that I have forgiven them. It wasn't about them, it was about me. It was hard. It is never easy to let go of feelings, even the negative ones. But I do know this. Forgiveness allowed me to continue to grow as a person, allowed me to find my Path & follow the Road I am meant to travel. Forgiveness allowed me to know myself honestly, to find my authentic self, my voice. Forgiveness allowed me to be happy. Forgiveness allowed me to learn to live within my own skin. Forgiveness allowed me to see that I could take a stand in a positive manner, voicing my feelings truthfully, & not being afraid to do so. Forgiveness freed me to accept not only myself, but others as the flawed individuals we all are. Forgiveness has allowed me to understand why some people are who they are. It has given me compassion for the Journey of others.

The anger is gone. No more outbursts. Oh, I may state emphatically something I feel strongly about, but I am now so confident in myself that there is no need to scream & shout, rant & rave. I state my feelings, my beliefs, my opinions then I move onward in my Journey. If you abuse or mistreat me, I will let you know & I will probably cut you out of my life if I see that this behavior is going to be harmful to my well-being. But I will forgive you, the wound will not fester in my Spirit. I will find the lesson in the moment & I will move forward. That's what forgiveness is...it allows us to move forward in our Journey stronger & wiser with our Spirit healed.

~~blessed be...

The Best Revenge...

2010-09-23T19:39:00.000-05:00

It has been said that the best revenge is a life well lived. I find that to be true, especially when someone has said to you “You can’t make it without me”. Oh yeah, just watch me. And while you are at it “Eat my dust”.

Sparky was talking about a highly successful businessman he knows that arrives at the office at 5am each morning & has done so for years. Sparky said if that is what it takes to be successful then he guesses he will not be so. I said that most of the highly successful, in the eyes of the world type of people, I have known have also been that way. Arrive early before the troops & get busy. But then I said “You are successful. You are well-respected, you have a good business that supports you & the guys who work for you. You have everything you need & want, you drive new vehicles, you come & go as you please, you are a good honest person, & you have a caring heart. To me that makes you a success – a success as a person & as a businessman.”

I guess I measure success by a very different set of parameters. But that wasn’t always true. I, like so many, used to think that success is measured by the balance in your checking account, the square footage of your house, the car your drive, the investment portfolio you possess. I am, after all, a Baby Boomer. I married that dream once. I pursued it once on my own almost sacrificing my health & peace of mind. Then I woke up to what is really important to ME. I redefined success in my life. I am sure that my definition would not work for some people. I am sure some people would not see my life as successful. I understand – I once saw myself as a complete & utter failure. But then my eyes were opened by Great Spirit & my Totem. I was shown my gifts, my successes, & the attributes that made, & continue to make, me a success as a person.

So, for me success is living my life well. By that I do not mean being rich, well-off, or even comfortable in a monetary sense. I actually live paycheck to paycheck as do most people I know. That has not always been the case but it has been since I moved back to Oklahoma because I took a big pay cut to make that move 10 yrs ago. I am still about $20,000 less that I was making then. In fact, I am making what I made 20 yrs ago. But, I am living better than I ever have. And do you know why? Because I am HAPPY, I am content, I am at peace in my Spirit. I have no stress. When I am stressed out it is of my own making, my own choosing or because I allowed myself to be sucked into someone else’s energy field.

Life is just too damned short to live any way other than what makes you happy. Not superficial happiness, but true happiness. A happiness that radiates from deep within your core being. Happiness & contentment that comes from living in harmony with yourself & your surroundings. Happiness that comes from walking your true path, following your destiny, taking the Journey with an open heart & mind, accepting yourself honestly by admitting your faults & short-comings, accepting those with whom you come in contact the same way. It is not easy, but for me, it is necessary in order to live freely – free from superficiality & lies.

Those who know me will tell you that I possess blunt honesty & I also hope they will tell you that I dispense that honesty with love, compassion, & true caring for others. I have found that speaking the truth is so much better for all concerned. It may cause some people to walk away from you, but then those people are on their own Path & for whatever reason are not meant to walk with you. I have long-time friends that I may talk to only occasionally that will actually call me because “You are my friend who will tell me exactly what is what”. Yep, I definitely will tell you “Which way the cow at the cabbage.” But only because I care & truly want to offer good advice with real solutions to a problem.

Because my heart has been healed I want to help others heal theirs. I think that this is what the psychic meant many years ago when she told me “You are a healer”. I had hoped it meant I could lay on hands & heal people from diseases like cancer, etc. I guess in a way I can. I cannot take away the disease, but I help them deal with the pain in their Spirits. I can ease the road they are traveling. I did this for my brother. I know my Journey toward his crossing over was easier because we faced it together honestly. I believe his Journey was easier because I walked beside him all the way until he let go of my hand & crossed over.

Am I a successful woman? YES!!! …and here are the reasons:

I am at peace with myself
I have made peace with the pain in my past
I have honestly faced my mistakes & failures as a person
I strive daily to be a better person
I have a loving heart
I have a kind, compassionate, giving Spirit
I live in harmony with my environment

I am loyal

I have discovered me, & I like the woman I have become very much.

~~blessed be…

Cinderella, Snow White, & all that jazz

2010-08-31T23:18:00.001-05:00

Seems like all the stories I read as a kid started with "once upon a time" & ended with "and they lived happily ever after." I chased that stupid fairy tale for way too many years.

I was raised in a time when a girl was expected to marry & have children. Oh, you could be a teacher or work in an office but that was just to supplement, help out, not as a career. I once overheard my Mom tell one of her friends that they sent me to college to find a husband. I found one alright.

It took me 20 yrs & two failed marriages to learn that I could rewrite the fairy tale. That happily ever after could happen without a man in my life. I could build my own life. I could be happy on my own. I could be my own person. I could set the parameters that defined "me".

I think the biggest disservice that was, and in some instances still is, done to girls is not empowering them to be independent, self-sufficient, giving them a right to their own voices. My granddaughters, thank goodness, are being raised to be strong girls. I sometimes wonder how much more I could have been had my parents thought I was worth more. I wanted to go to law school, but I got married. I loved being on stage but I gave up theater because I was a "wife". I allowed another person to define me. Actually I allowed many people to define me. My first brave act was to get a divorce & become a single parent. My folks were livid. But, for the first time in my life, I stood my ground. Still, I felt like I was a failure unless I was "married". So, I made mistake #2. That one was out of the frying pan & into the fire. By then I was so spinning out of control. I was so damaged that I self-medicated to stop the pain.

Then, one day many years later, I woke up.   Actually, I had been slowly awakening for years. A couple of strong women helped me along the way. One day I realized how sick & tired I was of being sick & tired. I knew that unless I left my marriage & got myself straight I was going to die. Either he would kill me or I would kill myself - overdose, car wreck, suicide. I was slowly dying in body, mind, spirit. But one day I kenw I wanted to live. I wanted a life. So, I walked out. Oh, even though I left physically it was harder to leave emotionally but step by step I was able to do that also.

Has the road been easy? No, it has not. Has the Journey been worthwhile? Absolutely!! Every day I learned more about myself - the good, the bad, the mediocre. I chose who I wanted be. I found my spirituality. I turned my back on organized religion because it does not work for me - too much hypocracy.  But I have a very deep, personal relationship with Great Spirit.   I read The Bible, The Koran, The Book of Morman, the Dalai Lama, the writings of Buddha, Gandhi, Black Elk, Chief Seattle, Wayne Dyer, TD Jakes, Max Lucado, books on Native Spirituality. I read alot.   Through all that reading I found my beliefs, my ethics, my moral compass.

So, happily ever after does exist. It lives in my house. It lives in my soul. I am happily ever after because I choose happiness, contentment, peace, joy, & love each day.   So, ask "How are you?" to me & you will get my answer "Fabulous, as always!"

~~blessed be...

August 26, 1966

2010-08-26T20:57:00.000-05:00

This morning one of the maintenance men at work stopped by my office (everyone was gone but me) & said there was a delivery in the lobby. So I went out to pick it up. Florist with flowers & when I looked at the card my name was on it. What a wonderful surprise!!

44 yrs ago today I met the love of my life...the longest relationship I have had. It has endured three marriages (two of mine & one of his). We have never made it down the aisle, but we were engaged for several years not so long ago. He is my Big Guy, lives in Seattle. I write about him & our odessesy quite often. He is the one constant in my life for all these years. The one person who knew me then, that smalltown girl from OK & he is the one who knows me now. Still a smalltown girl from OK but one who has seen so much - had such adventures, tragedies, joys, heartbreak, happiness. He knows the woman I have grown to be, my beliefs, my morals, my ethics. He knows me better than anyone ever has. He accepts me, & all that makes me who I am, unconditionally. He respects me. He likes me. And he loves me.

He was beside me when my brother got his final diagnosis. He was with us in Key West (I think we will go back there together one day. Remember old memories, make new one). He was the one I called late at night when it all got to be so overwhelming. He was my rock. He was with me when my brother died. He was beside me at the wake, the funeral, the cemetery. He got me through those first days of grief.   He was the one who took care of me when I physically collapsed. He has always been in my heart from the time I was 14 yrs old. He was my first kiss. My first love. My true love.

He has sent me red & yellow roses for years on our anniversary but I am always surprised when they arrive. Red ones for each decade (they signify love), yellow ones for each year in the decade (yellow roses are my favorite & also signify friendship). So this year it was 4 red & 4 yellow.   And I was, once again, touched & surprised. It made my day, & I felt loved, special, cherished. That is after all our song....Cherish by The Association. I hear that song & remember his Mom bringing me the 45rpm from him so many years ago when he was attending Staunton Military Academy in VA & his folks came to OK to visit his Mom's family.   We ususally call each other when we hear it on the radio.

So, today is my 44th Anniversary! The only one I celebrate. One day, every year, I am once again 14. First kiss, first love.   I do love you Big Guy!! Forever...

~~blessed be...

I know you're out there somewhere...

2010-08-21T19:14:00.000-05:00

That Moody Blues song has been running through my head for weeks. Sometimes the whole song, sometimes just that phrase. I've been wondering exactly what it means. Could just be the fact that I really like that song, could be something else. I really think that it has alot to do with the fact that my life is going really good. I love my new job so that part of my life is stablized. I am in such a good place right now. Peaceful, contented, happy - a really good place emotionally, spiritually, psychologically. These aspects have never all come together at the same time before. I am liking the feeling. I am happy where I live, my house is perfect for me & the furry kids. I am comfortable being me. Life is just plain good. I really don't ever want to marry again & I love living without another human in the house. I like being on my own making my own decisions. The relationship I am in is completely plutonic & that is the way I want it. I love the guy, but as a very good friend. I am not "in love" with him nor is he in love with me. We're buddies, we hang out, we share our lives. We are a team, we watch out for each other, we have each other's back.

I have been deeply, completely in love & I have been loved that way in return. I am loved that way now by a wonderful man I have known for 44 yrs-unconditionally, accepted just as I am. It's a good feeling, but it is not a marriage thing it is a lifetime friendship kinda thing. But, I keep having this feeling -- You're out there somewhere. If you are, you're gonna have to find me 'cause I'm not out there looking for you. My life is complete & to go through what is involved in adding a new person to the mix is just not worth it to me unless it is going to be a spectacular, soulmate, forever kinda thing. And you are going to have to pursue me, love the furbabies, accept my beliefs, & give me my space. You are gonna have to fall in love with me & convince me fall in love with you. You need to have a good job, money in the bank, & the ability to take care of me financially (in my last marriage I was that person so now it is someone else's turn). It's alot to ask of another person. But, you just might be out there...somewhere. And I just might find out that there is room in my life for you.

~~blessed be...

Over the Rainbow

2010-08-07T23:58:00.001-05:00

This evening, on Hwy 75 between Denison & Sherman, TX there was the most beautiful rainbow that seemed to last forever. The colors were vibrant & so alive. The greatest feeling of peace & joy washed over me.

Driving back to OK on Hwy 84, the top down on the 'Vette with the wind blowing across my face I felt so alive, so free. It has been 15 yrs since I was on the back of a Harley, but tonight I had that same feeling again. The darkest night, a cool breeze blowing through my hair, across my face. The feeling of flying through the darkness toward home. I think that must be the feeling when you die. Pure joy, freedom, & excitement with the wind whipping you along toward Home. I know why my brother was smiling when he crossed over.

**************************

Tonight the air smelled so clean, just a hint of rain still in the air. The air was fresh & I just couldn't suck it into my lungs fast enough. I just settled down in the seat, closed my eyes, breathed deeply & lost myself in the music, the night, the darkness. I could have driven back roads all night just letting my senses experience the darkness, the smells, the feel of the wind, the coolness on my skin. There in the darkness it was like being alone to truly experience the Universe as it readied the night. The stars popped out, I could imagine that the nightbirds were beginning to call in faraway fields, the night creatures beginning to emerge for their adventures. Somewhere I am sure a coyote howled, but I could not hear it. Then as the night begins to turn to day the night creatures will scurry home to sleep & the day will awaken with the calls of birds. I love to hear the cooing of the doves as day breaks. The sun will rise, the day will be come hot, & all will seek shelter in the shade of trees.

It is truly the simple things that bring the most pleasure. Tonight was one of the best nights of my life because I remembered to experience all that was around me in the moment. To live completely in the Now. To see the beauty of a hot day turning to a lovely night. To know that all was right with the Universe. To know that generations of people had experienced that same beauty. The Circle of Life goes round & round. It stops for no one but we can stop & experience the Moment. "Life is not about the breaths we take, but about the Moments that take our breath away".

~~blessed be...

A nice surprise

2010-08-02T21:02:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Yeve Eeffoc for visiting, & for the award. It's always nice to get a new reader, & a wonderful surprise to get an award. You can visit her at

http://ineverhavetheanswer.wordpress.com/

Here are the rules that go along with receiving the award:

a) Thank the person who gave you this award

b) Tell 7 things about yourself

c) nominate 15 newly discovered blogs to share this award!

a)...Done!

b)...here goes:

I recently started a new job as you know if you have been reading lately. The previous job was just a real drag with way too much drama. The new one is FABULOUS!! Wonderful, hard-working people who come to work to...are you ready...WORK!! What a concept.
I have one son, one daughter-in-law, 3 grandchildren. They are the gifts that I did not deserve, but am so blessed to have received.
I have rediscovered friends from highschool through Facebook. Actually, not really hang out kinda friends in highschool just had classes together knew who they were kinda friends (as is sometimes the case in small towns where you do "know" everybody). I have a very strong connection with one & she has become a very important member of my Tribe.
I have the gift of second sight. I see what others do not or cannot. I have premonitions. I interpret dreams & am learning to read Medicine Cards (similar to Tarot but deal with Native American spirit animals)
I live in the "Now". I experience each day fully, relish in the Adventure each new day brings. Then I put it to bed & begin again the next day.
I practice Gratitude each & every day. Even if all I do is say "Thank you" before falling asleep, because no matter the road you are traveling each day is a gift to be treasured.
From each experience, good or bad or in between, there is a lesson to be learned that helps you on your Journey toward your true destiny. Only when I have failed to recognize the Lesson have I been doomed to repeat it. Once I have gained the knowledge, I move forward & do not tread that road again. Sometimes this has been very hard to remember. At times the lessons were not clear because I was to mired in Ego & refused to surrender to that which is greater than me. Great Spirit has been patient as I have walked my road.

c) I nominate all the blogs that are on my sidebar. They are each exceptional in their own right: insightful, informative, funny, thoughtful, & inspiring. Check them out for yourself. Be sure to grab the award for yourself when you stop by for a visit & share in the fun.

~~blessed be...

Free Spirit

2010-07-04T17:19:00.000-05:00

I am always amazed when a total stranger "gets" me. Happened yesterday. I was getting my hair cut & was using a new stylist. We had talked about this & that when she made the comment "You are a free spirit". I laughed & said she was right. I found it amazing that she figured that out after a hit & miss kind of conversation. Truly amazing.

I think some of it came from the fact that I was totally relaxed, completely peaceful & content. No stress. I started my new job on Thursday. It is going good, alot to absord & get caught up but I come home tired in a very contented, "got something accomplished" kind of way. It is a good tired. I am happy. Overwhelmed somewhat but happy. I have a very nice peaceful office. Everyone works all day, not alot of chatter, so far no drama. There is a very good vibe in the office. I noticed that the first time I interviewed there. Really nice vibe.

I was thinking today how much has changed in my life the last 40 yrs since high school graduation. Seems so long ago but also such a short time ago. I have seen so much, experienced so much, had such wonderful adventures, experienced such tragedy & joy. I am not the Oklahoma Girl I was that May night when I walked across the stage & received my high school diploma nor am I the same Oklahoma Girl who walked across the stage three years later on a hot August morning to receive my BA degree. How I have grown, but in some ways I have stayed the same only I have become free to be who I was meant to be. I have courage now that I never thought I possessed. I have a strength that sometimes is a surprise even to me. I am gutsy & brave. Two things I never was in high school or college or even as a young adult. When ex-husband #2 told me I had changed when I explained why I could no longer be his wife, I agreed. I explained Life had changed me. He meant it as an insult, I meant it as a compliment to myself. If I had not changed I would be dead now. If I had not changed I would not be who I am today & I like the woman into whom I have evolved. I like being strong, brave, gutsy, irreverant with a cutting sense of humor, a bend toward scarcasim, a strong belief in Great Spirit, & a deep sense of all that I cannot see. I am glad to have embraced my gifts, of being able to see what others sometimes cannot, of being in tune with the Spiritual world. I am happy that I have been able to reinvent the Oklahoma Girl I once was into the Oklahoma Girl I am today. I have kept that which was good, thrown away that which did not suit me, added the things that I want to be a part of me, embraced those things that make me different from others. I have evolved into a complete person.

I am fine-tuning the last reinvention right now. I got stuck for a couple of years in a deadend job that was sucking the joy out of me. I got mired in someone else's mud. Well, I just took myself a big old truck & pulled my show out. I am moving on down the road now, free of mud, following the sun. I am getting back to the world of positive thinking, knowing that the Universe is indeed spinning in the right direction taking me toward my true Destiny. I feel hopeful!! I know that I will be able to work, then leave the work behind when I lock my office door. I will be able to get back to my writing (not the blog, but my writing that I hope someday will be published), get back to my spiritual practices, my reading, my art. I will begin again to truly take care of myself -- mind, body, spirit. I feel free now rather than trapped in a life that I did not want. There will be changes. When they will all transpire I do not know, but I know there are a couple of things I need to do for myself so that I can be truly my authentic self.

I do hear the beat of my own drum. I am a free spirit set on experiencing Life & all it has to offer. I love Adventure, I love my Journey, I embrace the lessons I have learned & the ones yet to learn. I relish what is about to unfold in my Destiny.

So for now, all I can say is "Look out World" 'cause I'm back.

~~blessed be...

4:00am

2010-06-15T10:23:00.000-05:00

"It's the friends you can call at 4am that matter" -- Marlene Dietrich

******************************

If I was gonna write a song, it would be called 4:00am Friends using the Dietrich quote as part of the chorus.

It's the friends you can call at 4am that matter
It's the friend who is instantly awake
It's the friend who says "I'll be right there"
It's the friend who flys across the country just because you are in need
It's the friend who never asks "What were you thinking?"
It's the friend who hears your pain
It's the friend who says "I love you-hang on til I get there"
It's the friend who makes a pot of coffee & talks to you on phone while all the world is sleeping
It's the friend who never judges, but offers sound advice
It's the friend who offers counsel & tells you things will turn out alright
It's the friend who says "Come stay with me - we will find the way together"
It's the friend who cries along with you even when they think the guy is a bastard
It's the friend who never says "I told you so"
It's the friend who asks "What can I do, what do you need, are you ok?"
It's the friends you can call at 4am that matter

*********************************

These are the friends that we hope, at least once in our lives, that we have. It is the friend we hope to be when someone is hurting. I know who are on that list in my life. I know who I can, & have called, at 4am. I know what it is to come instantly awake, ready for whatever that call or knock on the door is bringing. This is unconditional love, a servant's spirit. This is truly loving someone else at least as much as yourself but in truth loving them more. Being ready for spiritual warfare at times, being ready to jump in the truck & load up their stuff at another, or simply being the shoulder they can cry on. To drive where ever it is that they can be safe. It is calling the cops because you just might kill the bastard for what he did & he ain't worth sittin' in jail about. It is crying at the tragedy, comforting others, making breakfast, calling friends & relatives with the news. It is sitting at a hospital bedside, it is taking charge, it is just being there. It is sitting quietly because words are not necessary. It is holding hands because that is all you can do. It is being strong for someone else & breaking down privately. It is 4am, & you just got the call.

~~blessed be...

Women

2010-06-12T10:58:00.000-05:00

Oh Thank Goodness, It's Not Just Me! Oh Thank Goodness, It's Not Just Me! Movie

*********************************

I had girl friends when I was a child, a teenager, a young woman. But, oddly enough while I had female friends even a couple I qualified as "best" friends my close friends were all guys. To this day, I still have very close guy friends. They are a very important part of my life & a continued blessing. With no romantic ties we just seemed to click, to be able to connect on a different level, to gain insight from one another & to ask those questions you cannot ask or get real answers from a same sex friend (despite what we think, women really don't know what guys are thinking- you actually have to get clarification from a guy).

In my second marriage I was, due to the abuse that began then escalated, cutoff from my past, my friends, my family. As I entered my 40's I began to connect with female friends. I know now that it was Great Spirit sending these particular women into my life to aide me on my Journey, to show me lessons I must learn, to guide me in my Growth. The first of these women were in my life only for a Season, for the time that we needed each other, for the support, the love, the Growth that I know took place in my life & perhaps in their lives also. I have completely lost touch with them, but I remember them fondly & cherish the time we had together. They gave me strength & courage.

As I changed my life, my job, my location in my 40's I found other friends. One particular young woman was a very unexpected find as a friend. We were very different, at different places in our Journeys. Raised differently, with different lives. But, when we worked together we became inseparable. You very rarely saw one of us without the other. We were a team & handled the job together. She is still in my life. Not daily, but from time to time we reconnect, catch up, chat for hours. She is still a very important part of my life even though I have not seen her for over 10 years. She is part of my Tribe, a sister-friend. I am so proud of her two older children that I have watched grow up through the years to become wonderful, successful, giving, loving individuals who have found their place in the world as young adults. It has been a pleasure to watch their Journeys from afar.

Over the last 10-12 yrs wonderful women have come into my life at different times. Two that are also a part of my Tribe, sister-friends, came to me through my dearest brother. They are a gift he gave me when he knew he would be leaving this Life for the Other Side.

One I have watched grow as a beautiful young woman with a loving, caring, giving Spirit. She does a Mission trip each year now. I am so very proud of the woman she is becoming. She is someone that I "clicked" with immediately. We live an hour apart & sometimes that is just too far to get together as much as we would like, but when we are together it is a blessing & I cherish her friendship.

The other lives across the ocean much too far for visits, but we stay in touch through FB, blogs, e-mail, & our heart-connection. She supported Dave & me through his illness & death. She loved him so much just as I do. We supported each other when it was learned that her husband had the same cancer as Dave. Then from thousands of miles apart I supported her as her beloved became more ill & then crossed over to join our darlin' Dave. She is a part of my Tribe, my heart-sister, the one who truly understands the struggle, the Journey. She is my other half that I discovered on a hot Oklahoma afternoon then danced into the night with at a blues club. We have an unbreakable bond, we have faced death together. She is embedded deep within my Spirit-inseparable even when separated by distance.

Through this friend I have met, via blog, two wonderful young women in Canada. I have been through the struggles/disappointments/tragedies in their lives with them. Able to offer encourgement, sympathy, empathy to wonderful women whom I have yet to meet in person. I hope to be able to actually just hug, hug, hug them someday. They are important members of my Tribe also. My sister-friends from afar. They are such blessings to me through their wisdom, encouragement, & love for someone they have never met. But, no matter, we have a strong bond.

Now, in my late 50's (OMG I am older than dirt), I have rediscovered a friend from high school. We really weren't friends in school, didn't hang out, just had classes together. Knew each other as kids in HS do. Then we found each other on FB. Immediate connection. Again, separated by three states but not in our Spirits-our hearts. We talk often by phone, e-mail, FB, text messages. She is a fixture in my life, a blessing, & I cannot imagine not having her as a friend. She is my Tribe, my sister-friend.

I have connected with new female friends through this blog. One wonderful young woman lives in OKC & is such a blessing in my life. I am old enough to be her mother, but we connect on a level that has nothing to do with age. It is a spiritual connection. I so admire her Journey. Her road has not been easy all the time & she has faced big struggles. I revel at the grace with which she has faced her life & the challenges. I am so very proud of her. When we speak by phone or in person the conversations are easy, carefree, & comfortable. It is always, from the first moment, as if we have always known each other. She brings a beauty to my life for which I am so grateful.

What I have discovered in this Journey is that friendships can come from the most unexpected situations, at the most unexpected times. Women you would never have thought might be a friend at first glance. Women you have never met in person, but know so well through their writings. There are several such women in my life that I visit daily through their blogs. Sometimes a comment seems necessary, a bit of advice or wisdom to share, a word of encourgement, a hug & a blessing sent through the Universe, a prayer for healing. They are all important in my Life, a part of this Journey.

The Seasons of My Life are not as long as they once were, I have reached Autumn. I have friends who are in Spring, Summer, & Autumn. I pray they will go through Winter with me. These are the women that I want to see me safely on my Journey to the Other Side.

I dedicate the movie link to each of you: my friends, my Tribe, my sister-friends. Friendships in my 50's are so much stronger, more appreciated, more loving, more important & meaningful than they ever where in my teens, 20's, & 30's. Those, somehow, just seem now to have been so superficial even though I know they all shaped me in many different ways. They allowed me to know the kind of friend I want to be as well as knowing the kind of friends I want in my life. The Journey of that discovery began with the friends of my 40's & continues. These are the friends of my Lifetime, forever a part of my Spirit. I cannot wait to see where all of our Journeys lead us.

So whether it is for a Season or a Lifetime: cherish, honor, love, respect, be there for your female friends because they are a very important part of the Journey. It is a community of love, strength, support, & caring.

~~blessed be...

This ain't my first rodeo...

2010-05-25T14:16:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite sayings. Seems to be appropo in most of my life situations. I was reflecting on this one day last week when I was facing a situation (nothing serious) where I bit my tongue not to say "This ain't my first rodeo". How true, how true. My life has been one "rodeo" after another. Cowboys, horses (including the iron ones), cattle stampedes, storms, bad guys, oil field workers, saloon girls, the "law", moves across the Country dragging all I owned with me (leaving some along the way).

Back in the day, I dated a bull rider (he was also a tool pusher with an oil company) & then a calf roper (worked on a ranch). We hauled to rodeos all over. Bull riders are crazy. They have to be. LOL He failed to give me an important piece of information however---married w/kids. When I found out (he gave me his home phone number -what a fool- & the wife answered one night), & he finally got me to talk to him, he told me "I knew if I told you I was married you wouldn't go out with me". Duh!! Calf roper was at least single. Just not stable boyfriend or husband material. That relationship lasted about 6 seconds. Then there was the biker who rode a Harley. Found out he was a member of the KKK. Ran for the nearest exit on that one too. He never knew I found out.

The storms have been of the emotional sort. They come along in everyone's life. It is not so much the damage from the storm as how you weather it.   I have weathered them well as it turns out. Not always so sure when I was in the midst of it all, but looking back it's all good because I walked out with my life, dignity, & self-respect. I have been battered & bruised but I have not been beaten. Life has handed me some struggles but I am who I am because of them. I am a better woman than I could have ever hoped to be if I had not faced adversity.

I have been considering undergoing hypnosis to try & remember all that I cannot remember of my childhood. I have very few memories of my years before my late teens early 20's. Just bits & pieces of things that float up now & again. Most of my childhood I rebuilt based on talks I had with my brother & things he remembered (he had a very good memory of our childhood, but I am 5 yrs older). I just cannot remember anything, never could. I really would like some questions answered but I wonder if knowing would be worse than not remembering.   I just don't know. I have survived alot in adulthood, & I remember all of it. Maybe it just isn't important to remember anything else. Maybe it is all buried in the deep recesses of my mind for a reason.   So, no decision on the hypnosis. Sometimes I want to, sometimes I say Nay just let it lie.

Yep, this ain't my first rodeo. And, it won't be my last. Whatever comes along I know I can not only handle it, I can survive it.

~~blessed be...

Talking to my angel

2010-05-10T10:16:00.000-05:00

"Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship."--Buddha

*************************************

My brother played this song for me one afternoon as we were driving home from OKC. He told me he wanted it played at his funeral, & it was. The words speak to me on so many levels. And for some reason when I read the quote above I thought of this song. I think it's because I have health, I am content (as was my brother even when he knew he was terminal), & while neither of us were successful at marriage I know that both of us have/had successful relationships because we are faithful friends.

Yesterday, I got a call from my Big Guy in Seattle to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. It was a very nice surprise. He had spoken with his aunt & since his cousin was there they chatted also. As he was concluding our chat, he said "I love you. I told my cousin that we may disagree, argue, etc but I love you & I hope you know that." I told him that I do know that, it is the constant that has been in my life since I was 14. I have never doubted his love. We can't seem to make a life together come together but I have no doubt of his love for me. I love him also. It is the longest relationship of my life, the only truly successful relationship I have ever had with a guy--44 years this Fall. We probably would have destroyed each other if we had actually married that long ago--we were two damaged people who had to find our way to contentment & peace. Don't think we could have done it together because the Journey has lead us down very different paths. Sometimes the paths have converged but mostly not. I cherish him in my life. Someday who knows what may happen, but he is my rock, someone I can call in the middle of the night & he will wake up & be there for me. He would catch a plane on a moment's notice to be with me if I needed him. All I have to do is ask. I am blessed to have him in my life.

So, I sometimes lament my failed marriages. But I have good, strong relationships with people. Relationships with friends who truly know me, they "get" me, they accept the authentic me. And, I feel the same about them. So, in that context, I am successful. I am content in my life, with the mistakes I have made, with the Path I am now walking in my Journey. Therefore, I may lack material wealth, but I am wealthy beyond measure. I am blessed with good health despite my own attempts to abuse body & mind in my youth. Sleeping with a CPAP machine & taking thyroid meds every day are just inconsequencial when others suffer so much. I am a blessed woman & I know it. I thank Great Spirit everyday for all that has been given me.

"I've been talking to my angel, and he says that it's alright"

~~blessed be...

MCLinky Monday

2010-05-10T09:14:00.002-05:00

A - Age: 58

B - Bed size: Queen

C - Chore you hate: dusting - a necessary evil

D - Dog(s') name: Lobo, Scrappy, & Zane

E - Essential start your day item: Caffiene

F - Favorite color: Red

G - Gold or Silver or Platinum: Silver

H - Height: 5'7"

I - Instruments you play(ed): zilch, zero, nada, not a one

J - Job title: Administrative Assistant/Office Mgr

K - Kid(s): Son age 33

L - Living arrangements: House w/ 3 dogs

M - Mom's name: LaDell

N - Nicknames: Sweet Thang, "D", Wild Child

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Wisdom teeth extracted, complete hysterectomy (after going through menopause--WHAT THE HECK is up with THAT?!?!?!?!!)

P - Pet Peeve: People who DO NOT use their turn signals.

Q - Quote from a movie/show: "there are people in this world to save you when you need saving, to cover your ass when it needs covering, and who are always there when you need someone to lean on"--The YaYa Sisterhood

R - Right handed or left handed: Right

S - Siblings: One brother

T - Time you wake up: 5:30am-6:00am on weekdays; 7:00am-8:00am on weekends

U- Underwear: Yeah, yeah. I live in a smalltown, just one accident & the tongues would wag for a month if I didn't

V - Vegetable you dislike: Beets

W - Why you run late: I don't

X - X-rays you've had: Teeth, back, shoulder, chest, collarbone

Y - Yummy food you make: Key Lime Pie

Z - Zoo favorite: I don't visit zoos anymore. I do go to animal sanctuaries especially the ones that rescue wolves (my Totem animal)

~~blessed be...

Ramblings on a Thursday morning...

2010-05-06T09:51:00.000-05:00

I'm an Oklahoma Girl

Red dirt courses thru my veins

Ya’ll falls softly from my lips

I talk slow, no sign of a drawl

But I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I love the smell of new mown hay

I can tell you what kind of cow is in that field

I can drive a John Deere

I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I wear boots & jeans with diamond rings

I am at home in lace & pearls

I learned to drive in an old Chevy truck

Bumping over ruts in a pasture

I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I’ve shoveled out cow barns

I can milk by hand

I’ve hoed the garden

I’ve watched the dehorning

I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I’ve fed the calves

I’ve watered the horses

I’ve called the cows in to be milked

I’ve called the dog to kill a snake

I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I drink coffee from Starbucks

I shop at Whole Foods

I’ve traveled the country

I’ve searched for an identity

I’ve found my way home

I’m an Oklahoma Girl

I lived in big cities far from the hills

Saw mountains that touched the sky

Walked in the shadows far from the light

Always an Oklahoma Girl

I lived a fast life

I rode the back of a Harley

But nothing compared to riding my pony

I’ve climbed the Cascades, topped the Rockies

But, nothing compared to seeing the Arbuckles in the summer sun

wildflowers gracing the centuries old rocky face

I am, after all, an Oklahoma Girl

Neon lit many a sky

Turned night into day

Sounds of traffic played a sweet song

Sounds of the city both night & day

But, I am an Oklahoma Girl

Thunderheads come up far to the west

Lightening dances

Thunder booms far off in the distance

The clouds are black turning to green

Hail

I am an Oklahoma Girl taught to read the signs

Spring is upon us

Tornados are a part of our existence

Don't head for the cellar

Stand on the porch & watch it unfold

I'm an Oklahoma Girl

It's hailing they said that Oregon afternoon

Our cars will be dented

Our insurance is doomed

What, that's not hail I shouted

Pea-sized , HA HA

Don't call me til it's at least golfball.

Silly, people

I'm an Oklahoma Girl & I know hail

I’ve watched the sun set on Key West

But nothing can match the colors of pink, purple & gold

when the sun sets on the Oklahoma horizon

Nothing compares to the night the full moon graces an Oklahoma sky

The stars dance thru the heavens

The night birds call

A soft breeze blows thru my hair

I smell the honeysuckle, the roses

I let out a long breath, I am home

I am an Oklahoma Girl

~~blessed be...

There is no death

2010-05-01T07:17:00.000-05:00

"Life and death are one thread, the same line viewed from different sides.
~~ Lao Tzu "

Dave James Bev

***************************

This picture was taken on a very happy night at Charlies Last Stand in OKC. Dave & James were both terminal with the same cancer. Bev, James' wife, is my heart-sister - the one who best understands, the one with whom I share a history of so much. Dave brought these people into my life. I guess he knew that Bev & I would need each other to lean on through the years we have left to walk through this life.

Several weeks ago James came to me in my dreams. I had been going through a rocky spot. Nothing too serious, just a bit of discontent. Trying to figure out what to do next with my life. Then, there was James. It was a beautiful visit, brought me much peace, & while I am still interpreting some of the message I have been much more myself-peaceful, spirit-filled, joyful, happy.

Last Sunday I was mowing the yard. I had moved to the backyard & was running around the grass on my Yardman Bug (small riding mower) with my mind very quiet just enjoying the day (I meditate quiet often on the mower-the hum of the engine quiets my Spirit & mind). Then out the corner of my eye as I made a turn I caught the movement of the door opening that leads from the garage to the patio. I kinda jumped then realized it was my brother, Dave. He was there but a moment standing on my patio. As he did in life, & now from the Other Side, he spoke in my heart. Just checking in, I'm ok. Me, too I said out loud. I miss you. Love ya, bro! And he was gone in a heartbeat. Back I am sure to riding that Harley that I promised he would climb on when he crossed over.

It had been awhile since I had seen Dave. Strange, I had just mentioned to Sparky a couple of days before that I see dead people quite often (although I do not believe they are dead, just crossed over to the Other Side living the next Adventure), that I hear Spirits talking to me, I have visons, & get messages, but over the last several years nothing from Dave. Guess my little brother had to prove me wrong (he liked to do that).

After that visit something shifted within me. I think it was a complete, final settling of my Spirit that had not yet occured after Dave crossed over. It was as if something actually lifted from within me. Like a deep, cleansing breath. A reminder of what I have always believed...there is no death, no ending of a Spirit. We leave the body that no longer serves us in human form behind, but we-the True essence of us, our Spirit- continue to live. We cross over to the Other Side. The home from which we came when we decided to have a human experience. We are all Spiritual beings who have always lived. We will always be alive. Do we reincarnate & live many human lives? I have no answer for that. I have, all my life, experienced de ja vu. I have, in the past, gotten what I thought was a glimpse of a past life. Where I lived, who I was in an abstract sort of way. I have felt I walked a particular street before, in a place where I had never been in this life. So, that will be an answer I will get as my Journey continues. I like the concept of reincarnation. I understand the need to "get it right" as we walk through our lives. Do we get chances for do overs when we cross over with mistakes, missteps still on our hearts? I don't know, but I wouldn't mind being able to take all I have learned in this Journey & apply it to another Journey. All I do know is this...death of the body is not death of the Spirit. There is much between the seen & unseen worlds. And I believe deeply in the unseen. I have felt it all my life.

I will miss my brother & James, & all the others who have gone before until I am again united with them on the Other Side. But, I will grieve no more. I will remember, I will honor their lives. I will laugh at the funny memories. I will cry at the unfairness of lives cut too short, too soon. But, I am alive. My Journey is not yet over. I have much to do. Places to go, people to see, destiny to fulfill, lives to impact. I have much left to accomplish. James & Dave have reminded me of that.

Thanks my brothers!! Til we meet again, on the Other Side...or the next time you know I need a visit.

~~blessed be...

Step back, breath...

2010-04-20T09:56:00.002-05:00

The present

+ an attitude of gratitude

+ positive action

__________________

= my perfect life.

Excerpt from: Living a Five Star Life,

by Betty Mahalik

http://www.simpletruths.com/

***********************************************

I have much for which I am grateful. Sometimes I get so hung up in looking into the future that I forget to stop & simply say "Thank you" for all that I have today. After all, today is really all we have. As the saying goes, "Life is what happens when we are making plans". That is so very true, & I have seen it first-hand on more than one occasion. Plans are good, but not when the planning of Life hampers the Living of Life. Life is meant to to be a full-out, adrenaline pumping, head-long race. Not to a goal so much as to an Adventure. At least that is what it has always been for me. The Adventure of Living is what makes Life so exciting, fulfilling, & worth-while. Because when you are in that Adventure you experience, truly experience, all that Life has to offer. Mostly good, but some tragic. But it is through tragedy that we learn to savor the good times, to remember that Life is short-lived (shorter for some than others), & that we must take time for what is truly important. Love, living fully, service to others, compassion, acceptance, humility, humanity, tolerance. To serve & love others as much or more than yourself is truly a Life well lived.

So, today I stopped, took a deep breath, & remember all the things (in no particular order) for which I am grateful:

Great friends
A job
A lovely home
A reliable car
Good health
My sanity
The ability to do as I please with my free-time
Sitting on the back patio at sunset with my pupsters enjoying the last vestige of the day
Watching the sun go down, the moon come up & the stars coming out to play
Watching lightening bugs dance across the yard
Listening to the doves coo
Watching the sun come up & the world come alive
Being greeted with puppy kisses & hugs
The smiles that light up the faces of my grandchildren
Laughter
A day filled with sunshine
A little jingle in my pocket for a treat now & then
A personal relationship with Great Spirit
A loving relationship with my son & his family
Beautiful, smart, happy, healthy grandchildren

The list could go on, but I think you get the idea. It is the simple things, the things that we all go to work each day to provide ourselves & our family. It is the things that cannot be bought with the fruits of our labors. It is all the things with which we are blessed. Not because we deserve any of them, but because the Universe saw fit to give them to us.

So, let's just stop-step back-breath-& say "Thank you".

~~blessed be...

Musings on a rainy Sunday afternoon

2010-04-18T18:14:00.000-05:00

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. -Lao Tzu

*****************************

Got a real surprise Friday afternoon just before 5pm. The boss & his wife took me out for coffee at a local coffee shop near the office. We had a very nice chat, enjoyed a very nice coffee frappe, & it started the weekend off pleasantly.

Spent several hours in Ada on Saturday. Sparky was behind in his filing. That is really a misstatement since he never files. So, I should say I was very behind in my filing. Got it all taken care of in about 90 minutes. He had sold his older bucket truck (one we bought 10 yrs ago) & the buyer came to pick it up. Kinda bitter sweet because I remembered when we went to Springfield, MO to get it, driving it back to OK, then all the times I drove it on jobs with him, & the times I actually worked up in the bucket. So much has happened in that 10 yrs. We went to lunch with a couple who have been his friends for over 20 yrs to celebrate her birthday. Went to the new Chinese restaurant. Very good food. They actually had sushi & a mongolian grill not to mention way too many selections on the buffet. Then I came home early afternoon, did laundry, & hung out with the pupsters. It rained all day, into the night, & is still raining. I have spent today cleaning the kitchen, watching movies, then I made buffalo chili. Turned out really good. Lots of spices.

The quote above really spoke to me today. In fact, it would have spoken to me on any day lately. I never, ever expected to still be in OK in 2010. My plans 5 1/2 yrs ago were to move to Seattle. I like Seattle, I liked the life I had there with my Big Guy (he is still there, has a very nice life, & is getting his business going). I miss the social life I had there.

The photo is the sunset off Mallory Square in Key West. That is where my heart is & has been since I went there on a trip my brother requested (he called it his Make a Wish trip). I love the ocean, the beach, the sun, the laid back lifestyle. I like the ecclectic vibe. I like the nightlife. But mostly I like the acceptance of everyone's exintricities. It is a place where you can just "be". I long to just be.

I know it is time to get back to my writing. Back to the novel that has been shelved for way too long. I have had a hard time getting back to my life since my brother died. I got so wrapped up in his care, in his cancer, that I lost myself. I lost my drive to live my dream. I lost my creativity. I do not in any way regret devoting my life to my brother during his illness. It was an honor & a priviledge to serve him, to take care of him, to do all that needed to be done. But here I am, almost six years later, still trying to get back to myself. For some reason, I have found that very hard to do in OK. I love OK, don't get me wrong. She is the land of my birth, red dirt flows in my veins, I am an Okie. But I am more. That more is difficult to grasp in the circle in which I now exist. Sparky has never lived more than 30 miles from where he was born, & that is ok. He is content, it is the life he wants. For me, I have been to the city & I have seen the elephant. My horizons have expanded so far beyond the horizon I can see from my window. I miss seeing the elephant. I miss stimulating conversations. I miss the arts, discussing best sellers, exploring out of the way neighborhoods. I miss trying new, exotic, ethnic restaurants. I miss festivals, & walks in parks.

I live 1.5 hrs from two large cities, 4 hrs from another one. When we go to these cities for a day, I always remember that Sparky does not "get" what I like to do. He is not a walker (that has to do with a foot problem). He is not a lover of art, movies (I am a fanatic for movies, but have not been "to the movies" since I quit going to Seattle), or music other than metal or oldies Rock. He has never read a book so while I can browse in a bookstore for hours, he cannot. I did get him to try Latin food the other day, but he does not have adventurous taste buds either. He is steady, a good man, & I am told often (by others) how lucky I am to have him in my life. I am blessed, I know that. But I am dying in my spirit.

I do go out of town by myself every other month or so. I get my hair trimmed, I eat Indian food at a restaurant I really like, I explore out of the way shops I have heard about. But, I need to sit down in a coffee shop with like-minded friends & have real talks.

I am at a crossroads in my life. I know what my heart tells me, but I also know that I am "stuck" here in many ways. Mostly because the job market is terrible. I am not 20 any more. When I was, I just picked up & went. Now I think about reinventing myself rather than just doing it. I have obligations that I could not handle if I lived in Key West or Seattle, or Montana. It appears that I will be in OK for many more years. How do I get my life back, stay here, & not lose myself in the process? How do I find what I gave up when I moved back here?

Whiney aren't I? I think the weather gets me thinking like this. I need sunshine, hot weather, I need to go for a long run. Make that a walk, I might be a little out of shape to start with a run. LOL

I need to take time each day to write. I need to get together with my "big city" friends. I need a day to "do lunch", go out for coffee, listen to music, sit at a sidewalk cafe', browse a bookstore, have a stimulating conversation with friends who have diverse views. I need mental stimulation. I need to go sit on a rock & contemplate. I need to not just recharge my Spirit, but I need to replenish my well that has run dry.

I need to find myself again.

~~blessed be...

The Perfect Family...

2010-04-09T10:36:00.002-05:00

"So the Perfect Family wasn't so perfect after all". That's what Sparky said when I told him the story of my childhood. The REAL story. Authentic, truthful, full of pain, drama, intrigue, and lies. Telling that story is a part of my healing, a part of living a healthy life.

Last night my Mom called to chat and to let me know that my step-dad is having some routine procedures done next week. He likes for me to be informed & had told her to call me. Pops loves me!! And I feel blessed to finally have a "Dad" who actually likes me & wants to spend time with me. As it always happens when Mom & I talk the conversation was turned to my daddy, by Mom. She says she has let go of the past, but with every conversation she goes back to it, back to events that are very painful. What she doesn't realize is that with each telling of the "facts" she gives me more of the "truths" & I find out that what she told me originally, time-line wise, is not true. She knew the facts a lot longer than she originally told my brother & me. It really does not matter at this point in time, but it sure explains much more. While I still don't really remember my childhood, she does fill in some blanks.

I have been thinking about this post for months. I thought about it last night & went back & forth on whether or not I would even write it. But, this year I have promised myself that I would write the truth of my Journey, whatever that might be & where ever it might lead, either currently or in my past, with complete truth & authenticity. Yesterday I saw a report on the news about a young man who killed the man who had molested him as a child then continued, allegedly, to stalk him as an adult. The wife of the slain man has asked that the young man not be given prison time, not be charged with murder because she believes "my husband had a secret life." That opened up a big can of worms for me. So, here is my truth...

My dad molested at least one boy (who as a young adult returned to that small town in OK to blackmail my daddy-looking for $20,000 to go away. He didn't get the money because my Mom bluffed him, stood up & refused to pay. He went away, but I think my dad may have given him the money.), maybe two. For all I know there were more. I have spoken about this but I have never written those words before. That was harder than I thought. I know he did not abuse his children in that manner. I know this for a fact about my brother although Mom says there was an "incident" with my brother when he was a baby that made her very uncomfortable & that after that she never allowed either of us to be alone with our dad. That is why he never went to father/daughter functions with me, Mom would tell him it wasn't important & that I didn't care one way or the other (I did though, it hurt me so much that I never could attend those functions with my daddy & I never knew until recently that Mom kept this from happening because she did not want him to be alone with me). There was the time that he exposed himself to me when I was 15 or 16. I never told anyone until I was in intensive therapy when I told my therapist. Later I told my Mom. There is one incident when I was 5 that I can only remember up to a certain point then nothing. It was when I was alone with my daddy. I shared this in therapy & know that I can probably undergo hypnosis & remember but I am not sure I want to at this point in my life. I have come out the other side on so much & what would it solve. I shared this with my Mom also & she has pretty much poo-pooed the whole thing, but I understand that is a defense mechanism for her.

I have strong feelings that my daddy should have gone to jail for what he did--I can never forgive what he did nor can I justify it. I also cannot justify or forgive the fact that when my Mom knew for certain she did nothing, kept quiet, kept up appearances. That just goes against all that I believe is right. My Mom knows intellectually that this should have happened-he should have been sent to jail, he should have had to make amends when she became aware of the scope of the abuse, but to this day she feels that would have as she says "ruined" all of our lives. That we would have had to move away from my hometown. She believes that stigma would have scarred my brother & me for life. Hell, we were scarred anyway by the childhood we had to live. Could it have really been any worse? Would have knowing the truth, living the truth perhaps set us free? Would we have been healthier sooner if the lies had not been told? I don't know. What I do know is that I am free now. Free of believing I was somehow less than I needed to be in order to be loved by my daddy. After all these years, it wasn't me. I could have saved myself a lot of wrong roads in life, a few bad choices, & perhaps had a marriage that actually lasted had I only known the truth.

What I do wonder about my dad is this. I know he was gay, I know he had relationships with men. One of them was a really nice man who was very good to my brother & me. He & daddy took me to see the movie Pollyanna-it is one of my favorite childhood memories. He spent time at our house, he brought us gifts-a stuffed poodle was my favorite. We (including my Mom) visited his house. What caused my dad, later, to become interested in young boys, teenagers? That is not typical of a gay man. I have many gay friends - they are not like that. I like my gay friends, I respect them. In fact, I love my gay friends. They treat me with such respect & love. I would have been happy to say "My dad is gay", I would have been fine if he had a partner. I would have embraced that, but I just cannot wrap my mind around the other. These are questions that will never be answered in this Life. But what I do know is this, I chose this Journey these parents when my Spirit chose to have a human experience. I am only now beginning to understand the full extent of the lessons those choices are teaching me. Someday, I will be fully Enlightened & will know all the answers. For now, I walk my Path.

~~blessed be...

T.G.I.F. Ramblings

2010-03-26T10:40:00.000-05:00

It's here, it's here...FRIDAY!! Certainly the last three days have been better than my Monday. But, then that wouldn't have taken alot.

I am looking forward to my weekend, supposed to be in the 70's here tomorrow. Just might be a good day for a walk in the park with one or all three of the furkiddos. They need a good long walk & so do I. Could be just want I need to jumpstart my waning exercise program. The yoga & pilates dvd's are lying on top of the tv ready to load into the player. I know how good I feel when I exercise each morning, but I have just been lazy. Shape up, girl!! Get with the program!!

I was watching Sober House w/Dr. Drew last night & I thought how blessed I am. I never went to rehab, detoxed on my own, & worked the Steps like a maniac so that I could start my life over. That's been over 15 yrs now. What I have learned during those years couldn't all be listed here if I wrote all day. What I do know without a doubt is that I am an addict. I have an addictive personality so I must be ever vigilent. I don't crave drugs anymore, haven't for years. I don't even take aspirin. Decided to handle depression without drugs. Didn't like the way anti-depressants made me feel. Basically, because I felt nothing at all. I was numb all the time. Wasn't depressed, wasn't anything. So, I decided that I needed to feel the feelings & learn to deal with them. Oh, sometimes the darkness threatens & sometimes I take a moment to acknowledge it. But I do not allow it to take over. I know that if I stay in touch with my feelings, acknowledge them, & work through them I will be alright. I know that I have a chemical imbalance. I treat it naturally. But just knowing that it is chemicals, not insanity has really helped. It is easy to sink into insanity when you are not insane. I've been crazy & this Life I have now is much better. I am much better. So, self-medicating is no longer an option for me. I am choosing to live a healthy life.

I have learned that liquor is not a problem even though I was a binge drinker for many years. I can have a beer with bar-b-que or Mexican food & I am lucky to finish it. I can have a glass of Merlot sitting on the patio enjoying the last rays of sunshine on a lovely day with a dog on my lap. Don't even get a buzz. So no more black-outs, no more hangovers. Thank Great Spirit for that!

While I will not mention her name here, the therapist I saw for several years got me through the rest of the rough spots & I am deeply grateful. She blessed me beyond measure. It is a debt I could never repay so I try, in whatever small way possible, to make a difference in someone else's life. I offer whatever comfort & advice I may have. I faced my demons, I faced my childhood, I faced the truth about my family. I looked at all the events that shaped me & I decided what parts I would keep. There weren't many. Just stepping back as an observer & looking at my past from the outside was enlightening. I am glad I was able to look honestly & accept that which I cannot change...those who I cannot change. I can only change me...& I have.

The day I sat on my Daddy's grave & said all that had been unsaid for more years than I could count was a freeing moment. I yelled, I cried, I talked. Then I told him I would not be back. I haven't. No more flowers left, no more trying to make him be the Dad I wanted even though he has crossed over to the Other Side. Our moment for any reconciliation is long past. He has been dead for 24-25yrs, and the moment had passed long before that. I can only hope that his Spirit is free at last. His demons were far greater than mine. And he left this Life with much on his soul. I hope he has found peace. I have.

So, today & everyday, I walk with a smile & an appreciation of how good life can be, how happy one can be when acceptance, peace, & contentment are chosen. When asked "How are you?" my response "Fabulous, as always!!"

~~blessed be...

Are you a "Girly Girl"?

2010-03-25T14:16:00.000-05:00

I have never described myself as a "girly" girl. When I heard that term I always thought of a very frilly, bouncy type of female. You know all kinda "cotton candy-like". I am more the jeans, leather jacket, t-shirt, & boots kinda gal. Hanging with the guys. Going on Adventures. I always thought I was too tough, too brash, too outspoken to be defined as "girly". But, I do wear jewelry. Lots of jewelry. Always have. I pile on the bracelets, rings, & never go out without earrings. I wear make-up. Less than I used to but much more artfully applied than in the "blue eyeshadow days". And I do like for my hair to look good. Not "done" but casually attractive-I don't mind if it gets blown around in the convertable or on the back of a Harley, but I want to be able to brush it, shake it out & look good when I get out. Back in the day, I wore braids quite often, ususally just one long one down my back.

Then, one day several years ago, a guy I know called me a "girly" girl. WHAT????!!?? He went on to say that of course I was "girly", that in fact I was quite "girly". Some of it had to do with my figure (I am curvy), but mostly he said it had to do with the fact I wear makeup, do my hair, & wear jewelry even when I am in jeans, t-shirt, boots, & leather. Also because I will not leave the house without earrings. Who knew that made you "girly". So, I took a poll of the guys I know. BIG SURPRISE...they ALL thought I was "girly". Guess the fact I can cuss like a sailor does not detract from the overall girliness. Huh, was I ever surprised that guys see me that way.

My oldest granddaughter embraces her girliness. She wears at least one article of pink with everything. She loves jewelry & has since before she could really talk. She is one tough little cookie, but she is a girl & likes girl-things. I was afraid I would not be able to relate to her girliness but I was oh so wrong. We connect on several levels. She is a mini-me with the attitude to match. I am so sorry for that my dear son!! But it does crack me up big-time.

So, I have embraced my "girliness". I now relish being girly. I wallow in girliness. I strive for girliness & being feminine. Still don't wear ruffles, but I do pile on the pearls from time to time. I do wear diamonds occasionally. And I never leave the house without my earrings.

~~blessed be...

Sometimes I forget...

2010-03-24T09:53:00.000-05:00

to stop & say "Thank You!!!".

An Attitude of Gratitude--something I always strive to have in my daily life. For several days I have forgotten. Forgotten that I have so much for which I should be thankful, so many blessings.

Sometimes we get mired down in the daily grind, & I don't mean that morning cup of coffee. We muck about in the mud of Life, bogging further down in the crap. At times the crap can threaten to bury us, if we do not shovel fast enough. Monday I forgot to shovel at all. And in doing so got swallowed up, buried, & wallowed in the mud, couldn't find my footing. I had some trouble digging out that day. But, Tuesday the sun rose in the East, shined brightly on my head (I also had a very good hair day LOL), & I remembered to be grateful. Grateful for a good paying job (even if I do have "boss issues") in a time when so many are unemployed, grateful for good health (even if I am one of the "uninsured"), grateful for good friends who send love, support, & advice, grateful that I am here in this moment, grateful to be grateful.

Today, I am back! Me--positive, hopeful, energetic, happy, ready to keep moving forward. And, BTW, still having a good hair day!! Good hair & make-up can really change a woman's attitude, not to mention being at my lowest weight in 10 yrs. Still not at my goal, still need to exercise EVERY DAY to finish the loss process, but thankful for having to punch more holes in the belt, thankful that I am feeling good.

While working on my meditation today I came across the link listed below. Just what I needed today to reinforce what I already knew. Visual reminders are always a good thing. So I though I would share it. I hope it blesses your day also.

~~blessed be...

http://www.danceintherainmovie.com/

Someday, once again...

2010-03-19T13:47:00.001-05:00

I want to know how it feels to be this kind of "in love". I had that once, & he dedicated this song to me. Sometimes I miss it, miss it alot. I like my life & really have no plans to ever marry again. But, I miss that overwhelming, breath-taking feeling of being totally in love, & of someone being in love with me. I miss that connection with another person.

The other guy dedicated the following songs to me. I think of him everytime I hear them. Takes me back to being young, foolish, in love, thinking I was 10 ft tall & bullet-proof.

Well, that's just me remembering the guys in my life who loved me...& who I loved. These two were very bad boys. But they suited my life at the time 'cause I was livin' the bad girl life.

This next one was dedicated to me by the first boy I ever loved, ever kissed when I was 14. He is still in my life. And I still love him. We just cannot seem to get our lives together...together. I loved you then, I love you now, & I will love you with my last breath.

~~blessed be...

Balancing Act

2010-03-18T15:51:00.002-05:00

I Tivo The Today Show every day & watch it when I go home for lunch &/or when I get home at night. Today there was a segment with Ann Curry (one of my favorite reporters because of the grace & compassion she shows). All week the anchors have been answering questions from viewers. Today was Ann's turn & her question was on balancing work & family. She started the segment saying that several years ago her doctor had asked what she did to balance her life. She told him about balancing work & family. He told her that was not what he meant. He suggested that everyone needs to find their passion & exercise it thereby finding balance within. Her passion is photography & she talked about that journey. Also she mentioned that a person should devote one day a week to their passion, to balancing their life.

How many of us do that ? Not too many I would imagine. I know that I don't do so on a regular basis. When I have been away from complete balance in my life is when I get "antsy", when I feel out of whack with myself, when I feel "stuck", when I get to craving an Adventure. I know how important it is to be balanced- mentally, emotionally, spiritually, & physically-all working together to keep me "healthy" & not obsessed over one thing or another. When my life has been out of balance is when I have made some of my worst decisions--acted on an impulse--didn't think it through--went off half-cocked--played to my manic side. Can't call them mistakes because I have taken away something positive from even the most negative of situations. There is always a lesson to be learned.

This all got me to thinking about what my true passion is in my life. What makes me feel the most balanced. What gives me the greatest pleasure. I, too, like photography but do not devote alot of time to it even though I take my camera everywhere on weekends & days off. Sometimes I shoot sometimes I do not. But I love to work in black & white. I think that produces the truest images. Especially in people, buildings, & in some sceneries. It has to do with light & shadows.

I write, but again not as much as I have in the past. I really enjoy writing. Ideas are always swirling around in my head. I jot things down constantly. Sometimes the ideas show up here, sometimes it is in the fiction I write (short stories, continuations of my novel, beginnings of a new novel). Many times I think that I should be writing more about the life lessons I have learned. I used to speak about those quite often in different venues. One year I did the Vagina Monologues. I wrote & presented a piece for the end based on my domestic abuse story. I really enjoyed working on the films I acted in, I enjoyed theatre when I used to do that in high school & college. But acting is not my passion even though I find it to be a wonderful creative outlet.

But, if I could just quit my job & do anything I wanted with my life it would be two things:

Animal Rescue--I have such a heart for homeless dogs. All dogs no particular breed, I love em all. Just wish I had a place big enough to keep more. This is a passion.
Holistic healing--I have always wanted to take a massage course & then become a holistic practitioner. I would really like to use this in the treatment of addiction & domestic abuse. This is a dream I wish I had pursued years ago, but now it is more a dream than a passion.

When I dream my life, I see myself in one of two places (a. Montana or (b. Florida Keys, living a very laid-back lifestyle, surrounded by animals, working for my causes, writing & speaking. I really think that is where my true talent, shall we say, lies. I don't want to famous or even rich (but then I wouldn't turn it down if it came my way). I really just want to use my Journey to help others. I truly believe that I could fulfill my Destiny in this Life by telling my story, be it spoken or written. Speaking against intolerance, prejudice,& injustice. Those things are so prevalent in this world. That, & doing my small part to stop millions of animals from be euthanized each year. I think these are truly my passions because both are about stopping pain & suffering.

So, for the short-term, I will continue to write, take care of myself so that I can live a completely balanced life, & change what I need to in order to achieve my dreams. Today, I have been inspired once more to get back to complete Balance. No more procrastinating about my Yoga, Pilates, walks, riding my bike, my meditations, & no more just plopping down in front of the TV each night. First me, then vegging.

Thanks, Ann Curry, for being you!!

~~blessed be...

Co-Dependent No More...

2010-03-17T10:09:00.000-05:00

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I was talking to a very good friend the other night & he was sharing his experiences with the business he is building. A business, I might add, to which he is very well-suited & quite good at doing the tasks involved. He is a very talented teacher, is teaching something he loves, & has trained for many years. He is becoming quite well known in his circle. As he was sharing some of the business-end stuff (he is undercharging for his services), I commented that he needed a manager to help him figure out the finacial stuff, i.e. class charges, expenses, mileage, pre diem, hotel rates, etc. He agreed. He also shared a very nice compliment from his brother "You have become the kind of person you have always admired". Then my friend shared how hard it is to shut off the dialogue from his childhood-he is the child of an alcoholic & has always been co-dependent, an "I'll fix everything for you" kinda person. The dialogue of "You are a disappointment", "You have let us down", "You have failed at everything", etc, etc. This guy is very intellegent, has been through therapy, knows the psyco-babble & yet when he is on the cusp of succeeding the mind talk starts. You know what I mean, that little voice that keeps getting louder while replaying the soundtrack of your childhood. The crappy soundtrack, the one you should not have bought. But the tapes still exist, & you just cannot seem to throw them out with the rest of the trash.

I am a survivor of domestic abuse, as ya'll know. But I can tell you that the tape in my head from childhood has been the hardest to quiet. The bruises healed, I moved on with my life, I broke all ties with my abuser. I don't remember how bad my back hurt when I thought it was broken. What I do remember are the hurtful words my dad spoke to me throughout my childhood & teenage years. I could sit here right now & write every one of them down. That is the deepest hurt, the pain that surfaced over & over through the years. Those wounds take so much longer to heal. So I understand exactly what my friend is saying.

I can thank the most wonderful therapist for helping me quiet the voice, to see my worth, to believe in myself, & to find a new tape to play in my head when I think I can go no further. It takes so much hard, continuing work to get past co-dependency. Quite frankly, as with any addiction, you are never really "healed" you just learn to do better, to be better, to stop the cycle. I do believe co-dependency is a form of addiction. You become addicted to the feeling, to being responsible for everyone's well-being, to smoothing out all the bumps in the road for everyone else, but never for yourself. You get high off their compliments telling you how wonderful, smart, competent you are. When that is withdrawn the lows are intolerable, unmanagable. That is why most co-dependents also self-medicate.

You are told that if you take care of yourself you are selfish. But taking care of yourself is the most selfless act you can perform. You cannot be a healthy, fully functional person if you do not take care of yourself. You must take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. No other person can give this to you for it is a private Journey.

Being in recovery from co-dependency colors my life daily. It is something of which I am acutely aware in all my relationships. One of my AHHH HAAAA moments occured when my Mom started her ususal dialogue to get me to do something she wanted (there is a certain tone she has to her voice when this is about to occur), but that I had no intention of doing. In the past I would have said no, argued, lost my temper, then ultimately done it anyway & hated myself for it. The first time I said no, meant it, & stuck to it was such an epiphany. I was not angry, I did not argue, I did not make excuses. I simply said no. I did this with Sparky once also. There was something he wanted to do one weekend that I did not want to do, an event I did not want to attend. So, I said no. He was shocked. He called another friend, he was busy. Called me back. I still said no. He waited awhile & called me again. Didn't want to go alone, would I go? "No". Then came the kicker, "You aren't going to change your mind are you?" "No, I am not". That was the moment. The moment that I knew that if our friendship hinged on me going, I did not care. He still calls, we still go places. But when I want to do my own thing without him I do so. If I don't want to do what he wants, I don't. I have no fear that he "won't like me". I have no fear that my Mom "won't love me" if I deny a request. If a relationship hinges on me making all the concessions then it is not a real relationship-it is not a true friendship. And, after all these years, I do not feel badly about saying no to requests. I don't have the voice yacking at me telling me what a worthless person I am because I chose to say no.

I still remember the day my therapist told me to find a mantra for my self-worth, & to say it to myself every day looking in the mirror. I was so resistant. It went against all I had ever known to say something good, affirming, or positive about myself. Other people were supposed to give me my self-esteem & self-worth. I wasn't good enough to do that for me. But she insisted. I finally came up with a compliment that a cowboy walked up to the bar where I was working one day & said to me. "You are a handsome woman". I have remembered that for 20+ years. It came at a time in my life where I was so low, & it came out of the blue. It was sincerely said, because he walked away after saying it. So, for a very long time that was my daily mantra "You are a handsome woman". One day I began to believe it, & so much more about myself.

Today, I am whole. Sometimes still a little crazy, but in a way that I think everyone is crazy. I am my own best friend, I live comfortably inside my own skin. I have friends who love me just as I am, friends who see into my heart & Spirit. I have found my authenticity, my Truth, & love for myself. In finding that in me, others have been able to see it & to accept me as I am. In that Circle of Life, I have found true worth, true peace, true harmony. I am co-dependent no more.

~~blessed be...

Night is darkest before Dawn, coldest before Sunrise...

2010-03-16T10:32:00.000-05:00

No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow. ~Proverb

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Not only does this apply to the Seasons but also to our lives. No matter how dark the moment, how lost we feel, Light does come & we find ourselves once more. Once again able to walk in Joy, in Grace, & in Love. I think that is the most enlightening part of going through "things" be it a tragedy, a death, a loss of any kind, or just a dark, lonely period of life. I learned long ago that I could wallow in the self-pity, remorse, sadness, or "wishing it was all different" mode, blame others, or I could face it, deal with it, learn the lesson I was meant to learn from the experience, & then move forward without regret. Move forward & live with Joy & Grace. Spread Love, a pure honest authentic Love, to those with whom I come in contact.

Believe me, it is not easy to face all situations with Grace much less give Love to someone who has just royally rained on my parade. I was sharing my last two weeks experiences with my boss with a very dear friend last night & he said to me "Obviously, he does not know with whom he is dealing" I laughed because that was so true. I could just turn & walk away or take offense (which I do sometimes, silently) at what he says to me & how he treats me. I could really mess with him, but I do not. It would just not be right. I have to consciously make myself think how scary it must be for someone in their 70's who cannot even turn on the computer, much less get information from it to have to rely on someone else, completely, for the information necessary to run their business. It takes a huge amount of trust. Therein lies the problem, he really does not trust or appreciate what I do. That hurts. So, I have to get past Ego & take a deep breath, figuratively walk away, regroup, then continue doing my job. Grace. I ask for Grace each day, moment by moment sometimes. Because when I have Grace & Love for my fellow person I have Joy within myself.

Life is too short to live without Grace, Love, & Joy. Honor is important too. I know I am an honorable person, a "handshake" kind of person. I give my word on something & it is not necessary to have me sign something or "promise". I gave my word, I "shook" on it therefore I will do it no matter what else happens.

Oh, I still blow-off steam, vent my frustrations, talk about how I would like to handle some situations, but in my heart of hearts I know that I will always do the "right" thing no matter how unjust the situation may be. Because, in the end, I have to live with me. In the end, I have to face the woman in the mirror. And, ultimately, I have to answer for the decisions I make, the actions I take. Karma will bite you in the butt if you are not careful. The Universe will shift, & I prefer that shift be a positive one. So, I strive each day to walk with Grace, live in Love, feel Joy. That is, for me, being authentic & true to myself.

~~blessed be...

Thinking...

2010-02-22T15:33:00.000-06:00

I'm sad today for someone I don't even know, will never know. My boss's nephew took his own life on Saturday. My heart breaks for the family. For the Mother whose only child no longer walks in this world, the Wife who heard the shot, the Family left to wonder Why?

One of my cousin's took her life 40 years ago (she was just out of her teens), a month ago a childhood friend took his life. I said today that nothing is ever so bad that suicide is the answer, but that was said for comfort. We never know how bad it has really become in someone else's life. How unbearable may be the burden, how terminal the illness, how heavy the load, how helpless the feeling, how deep the depression. Those who are healthy make the statement I made today for a healthy Spirit cannot imagine ending its own Life. But I have walked in the land of darkness where the only answer seems to be to move out of this Life to the Other Side. I know how deep the depression can get, how heavy the load, how helpless the situation can seem. I know the voice that encourages you, tells you it will be better when you are gone from this world. I know what it feels like to have the gun in my hand or the razor blade poised over a vein.What the voice does not tell you is the pain your leaving will cause, the void in the hearts of others, the pain they feel because there is no answer to their "Why?", the guilt that will never leave the ones left behind to carry on, move forward, but never really heal. No last chance to say I love you, no chance to save you, nothing but pain.

So today, I thank Great Spirit that I am no longer trapped in the Darkness. But I cry for those who are still feeling their way trying to find the Light, the Door, some relief, an answer. Anything to quiet the voice, still the fear, calm the situation, kill the pain, open the heart, let in the joy. Anything just to live. And for all their families I pray.

blessed be...

What shaped you?

2010-02-20T16:14:00.001-06:00

I just finished watching "The Great Debaters", & I was struck by how we are shaped by that which we experience in Life. Experience during our "formative" years. I think those years are different for each of us & encompass many years, spanning decades off & on. We form who we are over many years. We do not just emerge fully adult at the end of our teens or early 20's. Sometimes we do not know fully who we are & what we are meant to accomplish until we are in our 40's or 50's. And sometimes we are still finding out about ourselves as we approach 60.

I am in the Autumn of my life. I have lived more years than I have left. That is not fatalistic thinking, but the truth. I am 58 yrs old. At best I could have 40 yrs left. Perhaps less. The women in my family live well into their 80's & I have always thought I would see 100 yrs. Every day I learn something new about myself. Sometimes I learn that I am not so different than I was at 16.
I have always been idealistic, a dreamer. Always have lived more in my heart & my Spirit, in my head more than in the World. I never found the World to be a welcoming place. For many years it was a very scary place for me. I felt very ill-equipped to survive. But I found a deep-seated belief within my Spirit. A knowledge that there is truly a purpose to my Life. Why else would I have chosen this particular Journey?

Something that would probably surprise all but those who know me intimately is that I am inherently very shy. I am not comfortable in large gatherings. When I was a corporate wife I was almost paralyzed by fear in the "cocktail party" setting. I think that is probably why I started to drink. It broke through the ice of my shyness & inhibitions.

I floated through my 30's, working, being a mother, a wife. But in my 40's I began to search in earnest for the meaning that was missing inside of me. I needed to get back in touch with my authenticity. First I had to figure out what was really authentic about me. I had played a role in my life since childhood & finding the true authentic fiber of me was not an easy task.

I have very little memory of my childhood so I had very little to draw on that made up "me" from the early years. As a young adult I let others define me. I became whatever & whoever the latest man in my life wanted me to be. It was hard removing that which was false & replacing it with that which was true. Getting clean & sober, working the Steps, meditating, inward searching all allowed me to discard that which had never defined me & replace it with what really defines me. I did, & still do, alot of reading. I found my Spiritualism. I acknowledged my second sight (which has been with me all my life) & began to embrace seeing that which is unseen to most. I began to listen to my inner voice, to Great Spirit. I speak often of being given my Totem, the Great Grey Wolf, but he has been with me since I was 9 or 10. I consciencely acknowledged him in my late 30's & fully embraced his presence in my 40's.

I reflect on the defining moments in my life often, but I think who I am authentically has been shaped by things that are deeply hidden in my past. Things I may never remember. Things that may be best left unremembered except in my DNA, in the deep recesses of my Spirit. Those I believe are what has given me my lack of prejudice, my humility, my compassion, my acceptance, my love for people, my lack of judgement. I am not the person I was once upon a time, but I am the person I was sent to this Life to become, & each day I become more authentic. I hope I have enough years left to learn all that I wanted to accomplish when I set out on this Journey. I hope I have enough years left to become the Enlightened Person I am meant to be.

blessed be...

The Journey -- 2010

2010-02-12T10:45:00.001-06:00

Wolf Goddess

reprinted courtesy of Lori Karels
http://lorikarels.com/

I saw this print several weeks ago & was so taken by the work-it spoke to my Spirit. You should definately check out Lori's work by accessing her website listed above. She does wonderful paintings. Fairies, Goddesses, & Animals. She is truly talented. The above print will soon be gracing my wall.

*******************************************

Another dear friend succumbed to cancer (my arch enemy) this week. Gary Jackson was such a support to me & my darlin' brother,Dave, during Dave's illness. I know Gary counseled & prayed with Dave many times. He was always there to lend a shoulder to cry on or a compassionate ear when I needed to talk. He also gave me a beautiful shadow box with one of Dave's uniform shirts as well as one of his badges. I am adding Dave's photo to it as well. I am still not ready to hang it in my home but someday it will grace one of my walls. Gary never failed to meet me with a hug anytime I saw him, & always told me "I love you". He faced his illness with grace, courage, & an abiding faith. Gary was a reserve officer with the Ada PD for 10 yrs, and he wore my brother's APD lapel pins for the past 5 yrs. That meant alot to him & to me. Thank you, Gary, for being my friend, my surrogate brother, & a comfort to me always. I love you, too!! You are now on the Other Side, free from pain, & reunited with your brothers in blue who went before you. I know you were welcomed with open arms & rejoicing when you stepping out of the light into your next Journey. See you later, in our Father's house.

*********************************

My beloved wolves have returned to Washington State, & they sent a message to me letting me know this through my dear friend Sulustu in Spokane. Check out his recent blog "Fathers & Visions" at http://sulustu.blogspot.com/ It is one of the most moving pieces I have read in awhile. I was inspired, & moved to tears.

*********************************

I have been moving toward something, something wonderful, something enlightening recently. Everything I read leads me closer to that which I am meant to see, experience, & live. I am becoming more & more unsatisfied with the worldly life. I hunger for that which is unseen. I am looking to begin the part of my Journey that is anchored in the spiritual, the supernatural. My totem, the Great Grey Wolf, is always near. My dreams have been strange, but not frightening. There is great meaning in them. Some that I get, some that I think will be revealed later. I am beginning to re-immerse myself in meditation, yoga, my spiritual reading, as well as my reading on my heritage & Native spirituality. I am emersing in the cycles of the Moon, the changes of the Seasons. I am trying to figure out just how to live a more fulfilling life that most likely will take me away from where I am. Maybe not physically, but certainly mentally, emotionally, & spiritually. Strangely, my relationship with my Mom has been healed. It came about so organically that I was just drawn in very naturally. I realized that one day I was no longer angry with her, I forgave her. I accept her for who she is & somehow on some level I believe she has accepted me for who I am. She seems to see me differently. More truthfully. And she speaks to me on a more truthful level. I believe this is all a part of my spiritual growth toward my true Calling.

******************************************

It seems that my writings will now follow my Journey. The emerging feelings, the Enlightenment. I have been rereading my journals, my fiction, my stories lately. I am being lead toward my writing more & more. So, this year my blog will reflect all that I am experiencing. I hope ya'll enjoy taking the Journey with me. It should be an interesting ride. When you think of me, see me with the Full Moon over my shoulder, the Great Wolf by my side as we Journey toward my next Adventure.

blessed be...

Envelope, please

2010-01-22T12:00:00.002-06:00

And the winner is.....

Territory Mom

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

**************************
In honor of what would have been my brother's 53rd birthday on January 30th I have decided to extend the contest for another week. So....

It's not too late to become a winner of a random selection of reading material. Giveaway will be open for one week starting today until Midnight next Saturday, January 30th

Just leave me a comment telling about a favorite birthday memory or present you have received.

**************************

My favorite birthday memory was the first year I was in college. My Mom (not known for doing something spectacular, especially for me) drove to my school & left a homemade Angel Food cake with pink frosting on my desk in my dorm room with a card. I found it when I came back from class. That memory still touches me & it was fun celebrating with cake to share with all my friends. Way to go Mom!! Ya done good.

~~blessed be...

Thoughts, a challenge, a give-away

2010-01-12T11:43:00.000-06:00

I saw an interview with Jim Moret, author of "The Last Day of my Life", on The Today Show & it got me thinking. Mr. Moret was contemplating suicide & then began to think about what he would do if he had only 24 hrs to live. Instead of dying, he wrote a book about the experience & how he would spend his last 24 hrs in this life. I invisioned this as a very short, time specific bucket list. Then in searching Amazon for the book I found a book called "The Ten Best Days of My Life" by Adena Halpern.

I had been thinking what would I do with my last 24 hrs. Then I began to think about the 10 best days of my life. They are both hard, but here goes:

I would spend the last 24 hrs of my life with my son, daughter-in-law, & grandchildren. I would tell all my stories, make sure they really, really knew how much I love them & how they have shaped my life. I would call everyone I love & tell them just how they had influenced my life, what gift they had given me that made my life better. I would give away every possession I cherish to just the right person who would cherish it for their own reasons, i.e. a book that would strike a chord in someone's life, a piece of jewelry that would bring comfort, a painting or photograph that would bring beauty & enlightenment. I would laugh, joke, tell stories, hug, & bless each person who has touched my life in any way at any time. I would search my soul to be sure I had forgiven & asked forgiveness. I would be thankful.

The 10 Best Days of My Life:

The day my son was born
The days my grandchildren were born (that counts as 3)
The day I met each member of my tribe & they became a part of my heart-family
The day I was given my totem because that has lead me on an amazing Journey of spiritual enlightenment & growth
The day I heard the audible voice of Great Spirit & changed my life
The day I stopped being afraid
The day I faced my demons
Today

My Bucket List will be much longer & I will post it at a later time.

********************************

My challenge to each of you is to take some time & think about these also. I think you will learn alot about your authentic self by examining what is truly important & valuable in your personal life. It may be surprising, but it will surely be enlightening. I hope it opens a dialogue with yourself.

*******************************

Now for the give-away (open from today until midnight CST on Monday, January 18th). I have been thinking about doing this for quite sometime & had to get it all worked out in my mind as to what I would give away & why. Here's the deal, post a comment on this blog (I do accept anonymous comments if you don't have a Google or Blogspot id. Just be sure to sign your name) with one or all, if your prefer, of the following:

One (1) of your best days & why

or...

One (1) way you would spend your last 24 hrs & why

or...

One (1) item from your Bucket List & why

Then, everyone's name will go in "the hat", a name will be drawn at random by an uninterested party, & after meditating over the winner I will, based on the vibes I get,
compile a selection of books & maybe some other item from my personal collection. Winner or maybe winners based on how I am lead (& how many entries are received) after the first name is drawn will be posted here on January 21st. If you win just send me an e-mail with your information & I will send your "goodies" off post haste.

Let the games begin!!

blessed be...

We'll tip a cup of kindness...

2009-12-31T21:45:00.000-06:00

For Auld Lang Syne

As 2009 comes rapidly to an end & the promise of 2010 looms on the horizon, I stop and reflect on all the wonder that has been the past year. New friends, reconnecting with old friends, moving on, moving forward, really hungering for a more peaceful, enlightened, purposeful life. Now, with less than 3 hrs before the New Year rings in, I am drawn to reflection. I did not accomplish all that I wanted, but I will accomplish more in the new year. I may never accomplish all that I want before my life in this world ends, but so long as I Ieave each day better than I found it I will be satisfied.

I find myself hearing the words that have been spoken to me by psychics "You are a healer" & I think of the saying "Physician heal thyself". That is what I have been doing, healing myself for several years now. I hope that in that time & with the example of my own healing I have healed others in some way. It has taken me many years to fully understand that prophecy of healing. At one time I thought it might mean the laying on of hands kind of healing. It did not & I was ok with that. I really believe it means the kind of healing that comes from truly listening to others, feeling their pain, accepting them without judgement, & having true compassion for their plight. I have walked so many roads in my Journey that it is not hard to place myself in the shoes of another & to have understanding, compassion, & acceptance. I know how much heartache can come from just living your life, but I know that no matter the pain the joy makes it all worthwhile. Joy that comes in the simple everyday parts of life. The smile of a child, the voice of a loved one, a touch, a glance, a chance encounter that changes the course of your day & sometimes even your life.

So, I look forward to 2010 with great anticipation. I really don't make resolutions. They always seemed so shallow in some way. But, as I said earlier today, I will strive to "dance" every day. Dance in my heart, let my Spirit dance freely, dance around my house. I will do this to honor a life cut short because I still live & live is what he would want me to do. Live fully, live freely, live with purpose, but mostly live with great love & love with complete abandon.

"Life may not be what we expected, but we can still dance"...anonymous

*************************

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!

blessed be...

Merry Christmas on a snowy Christmas Eve

2009-12-24T17:33:00.001-06:00

These are the views from my front & back doors right now. Scrappy just thought he had to go outside & check out the snow, until he found out how cold it really is out there (28 degrees right now & dropping).

I haven't seen snow like this in years & certainly not in Oklahoma. We had these kind of days in Oregon & Missouri.

**********************

Well, I don't send Christmas cards so this will be my greeting to all of you during this glorious season. I will call it my "Christmas Letter to my friends"

This has been a wonderful year for me personally. I have made new friends & reconnected with old friends. I have to give the credit for the reconnecting to my new friends, Tim, Jen, Barry, & Rhonda. Meeting them, first through our blogs then in person, gave me the courage to reconnect with people with whom I went to high school, to really use my Facebook page. I think it was because of their immediate acceptance of me just as I am, feeling like I could be totally honest about myself & still be accepted that made it ok for me to reconnect & be honest about my life with people who knew the young girl that I used to be. It has been interesting to get their perspective of me then & find that they like me now. Guess I should have trusted that would happen sooner, but I believe everything happens as it should as well as for a reason. I believe in fate, destiny, & pre-ordained events.

This has been a year that I have not been happy professionally, but I have learned alot in that unhappiness. I have learned that I can tolerate alot of stuff & never lose my temper. Oh, I mutter to myself & have elaborate conversations in my head with my boss-I tell him off quite often that way, but I never lose it with him. I try to understand what is going on with him, & quite honestly I am worried about the old guy. I am really afraid something is wrong with him healthwise. So, I tolerate behavior that in other days I would have handled with much less grace. So, I must thank the Universe for putting me in the situation that has taught me to have more grace.

The relationship with my Mother is still "strange", but I accept that it always will be. Sometimes she hovers, sometimes she ignores, sometimes she irritates, sometimes I just shake my head. It can all be best summed up in the words of my brother when someone told us what a wonderful, sweet, lovely Mom we had. He looked at me & said "Don't they know the old lady is crazy?"

My son has his own business now, my daughter-in-law is still able to be a stay-at-home Mom, the little ones are happy, healthy, bright, & the joy of my life.

I moved into a new house in July as most of you know. I am so blessed to have found it. I now have space to really live in my home. I enjoy cooking & now have a kitchen large enough in which to cook. I have come out the other end from the fiasco that was the closing of the company & loss of the job that brought me here. I have finally paid off all the bills that I got behind on when I was off work. I have a little extra jingle in the pocket of my jeans each month.

I'm still with Sparky. I guess we will stay together this time, but who knows for sure. While he is not the love of my life he is a very good friend, looks out for me, & has a very good heart. He is a good man, not the usual "bad boy" or "damaged goods" I have fallen for in the past. I guess I have entered a new chapter -- The Good Man. We will never be head over heels in love, but there is something to be said for a stable companion. I tell people we are not "in a relationship" because we are friends not lovers. I know that he loves me as much as he understands that emotion. I still think my brother told him to take care of me. He does a good job of that. I often thank Great Spirit for him being back in my life. And after the way we ended several years ago, Sparky is lucky I took him back. But, I must admit that ending is what allowed me to experience some amazing personal growth, not to mention being able to devote myself to my brother & his life. So, it is all good.

Big Guy, my high school sweetheart, is still in my life also. We talk on the phone from time to time. I haven't been to Seattle in 4 yrs now. He is having some health concerns, had a couple of small strokes, heart trouble (they found blockage & he will go in the hospital after the first of the year to find out where & what to do), & diabetes. I worry about him, but he is losing weight & cutting back on his NRA teaching. Good friends are hard to come by so I appreciate the ones I have.

I am no longer "running scared", no longer looking over my shoulder in fear that that Cowboy, my abusive ex, will find me. After almost 16 yrs, I think he has quit looking. I hope he has found some peace within himself. But, most importantly I have found peace within myself. I am whole again, centered, & balanced. I just plain got tired of living in fear. Fear of the what if. Whatever is going to happen will happen, I know that. So, it is best that I live fully, freely. The day I decided that a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

So, while the blizzard rages outside my door, I find the beauty in the scene. Glad I am safe & warm inside with the pupsters, my three little wigglebutts who bring such joy & shower me with unconditional love.

As the snow falls, my wish for each of you is more love than your heart can hold, peace within yourself, people who give you unconditional love & acceptance, & the joy of knowing Great Spirit. As we approach Christmas Day remember the true reason for the season, pray for peace on earth, & practice goodwill toward all men.

~~~~~MERRY CHRISTMAS~~~~~

blessed be...

Long ago, when I was crazy...

2009-11-29T18:38:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time so very long ago it seems, I went crazy. Too much pain, too many disappointments, to unprepared for life & the requiste betrayals that come on the journey toward enlightenment.   It crept so softly into my very existence that parts of it I really didn't even realize until I was sane again. Looking back on some of it was so very painful. Most of it was as if it had happened to someone else, as I look back. I never forgot any of it though. Never have been able to forget who I was when I was crazy, the things I did, the behavior. Would I have been better off if all the memories had faded quietly away never to have been remembered? No, I think it is good that I to this day remember what it was like when I went crazy, the downward spiral into that dark place. Because if I didn't remember it all I could very easily slip back into crazieness. Crazieness is a part of my DNA.

I refer to the crazy one as my evil twin. Then & now I call her DB (my initials during the darkest period of my life).   She was so out of control, so angry, so hostile. A hard-drinker, a partier, willing to try almost any drug that came down the pike. The line was drawn at anything that required a needle, but she thought about it. Anything to stop the dialogue in her head, anything to hear the "click" in her head so she could just be-be still, be quiet, be or try to be safe. But it wasn't safe in my home, the now ex (my beloved Cowboy) became my tormenter, my abuser, the one who I lived with in fear.  Constant fear. The one who raped me, the one who hit me, the one who belittled me, the one who robbed me of my trust, the one who took away the last shreds of my self-confidence & self-respect. To this day it is very hard for me to trust a man. I guarded myself so carefully for so many years before I would even allow myself to date again. Then that guy let me down, too. Never raised a hand to me, never raised his voice, but he broke my heart by leaving me because he got scared of the relationship. That broken heart sent me back into a spiral of depression. Didn't go back to the the substance abuse (I have been clean & sober for 15 yrs on Jan. 2nd, 2010), but I hid in a very dark place & the fear of losing all I had gained in the years I had spent alone becoming so much more enlightened, learning to live inside my own skin sent me into intense therapy. Only my brother knew at first that I was working with a therapist (I worked in therapy for 3 yrs because I knew I had lived more years than I had left & I wanted the final years to count for something positive). My Mom is very anti-therapy so I did not want her input especially since so much of the work I was doing involved my birth family & all the secrets that had lived in my childhood home.   But that is another story for another time.

Lately, I have been thinking about what it was like to be the crazy version of myself. How I became crazy, what lead me to crazieness, how I so completely lost sight of my hopes, dreams, & my basic character. I could easily blame it on others & say I was lead down the path. But that would be a lie, I walked down the path, albeit encouraged by the people who were in my life at the time & by the circumstances in which I found myself, but I made the decision to take that part of the Journey. Looking back I really believe if I had missed any part of those years, I would be different now. I believe I am a better person, more enlightened, more tolerant, more accepting, more loving because I chose to walk a very dark path for a very long time. I wish I could have found my way sooner, but I truly believe that everything happens in it's perfect time.

So, lately when I have thought I just might go crazy again sinking into that dark place I know I will not. I know how to silence the dialogue, make the "click" happen & be safe within myself all by myself. No outside help, no chemical help. Just a belief in Great Spirit, the love I have for myself, & the knowledge that I am exactly who I am supposed to be at this moment in time, exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment in time.   So, while I sometimes want to pack the car, gather up the pupsters & hit the road to find a new adventure I will bide my time & wait for the perfect moment in time to present itself. I will not go crazy again & I will not rush the destiny of my Journey.

blessed be...

November 15, 2004

2009-11-15T16:31:00.001-06:00

This is one of my favorite photos of my baby brother, Dave (Ada Police Dept Badge #244). He & his bike were one. I have never seen anyone sit a bike as beautifully as Dave. He was truly born to ride, & loved it. This was his Christmas present to himself before his cancer came back for the last time. How he loved to ride. Said it was his therapy, the wind in his face. His love for riding & blues music gave me the sister of my heart, my sister in love, who now lives in her native New Zealand, Butterflies. While he was my only sibling I will be forever grateful that I now, thru him, have her in my life. But that is not what this post is about.

Today, November 15, 2009 is the 5th anniversary of my darlin' little brother's passing to the Other Side. It has been easier in some ways this year than in the past. The ache of missing him is still ever present in my heart, but after glancing at the clock this morning & seeing that it was the exact time that he left this Life & my tears flowed from deep within my spirit it has been ok (all my furkids rushed to my side as I began to cry & all three crawled into my lap to offer comfort, love, acceptance. They knew I was sad & they immediately knew I needed them touching me. How cool is that !?!?!). He has been on my heart & in all thoughts all day long but not with uncontrolled sadness just with the longing of missing him.

***************************

Watching my Brother Die

He looked across his desk at me & mouthed the words I did not want to hear "It's back". I mouthed "Oh, shit".

Terminal, no cure, no more remissions the Doctors told us.

6-12 months they said.

So, we made plans to live fully.

We went to concerts, we went to clubs, we danced, we laughed, we cried,

but we never asked why.

We went to treatments, we went to Key West. We got second & third opinions. All the same, nothing more to do.

Go home.

We talked, we prayed, we planned his funeral, we decided what we would have for dinner.

He rode til his legs could no longer stand the pain.

He danced even when he had to do it in his wheelchair.

He held court from his bed

His phones were his constant link to the world outside his bedroom walls

but still he never asked why

He called everyone he had ever known.

Made amends as he felt they were needed

Said goodbye

Said I love you

Said I wish...

but he never asked why

He made peace with his Creator

He made peace with his life

He joked

He cried

He lost his mind a time or two

but he never asked why

He said if his having cancer would save one child from being stricken then he would gladly face it all again

He lived on morphine

but he never asked why

He stopped eating

He saw his best friend & his fellow fallen officer come for him on a ship sailing the blue Caribbean waters outside his bedroom window.

He saw our beloved Granddaddy

He saw our childhood dog

He asked why our Daddy never came, & did I think the old man was in Hell.

I told him that Daddy never took us anywhere in life so why would he come for us in death. My brother laughed & agreed.

He wanted to die at home.

I promised we had been to the hospital for the last time.

That was the only promise I could not keep

In the end, the pain was too great, the seizures too many, he needed to go.

He told me it was okay, that he wanted to go back to hospital.

The last night of his life he again patroled the streets of Ada

Calling for his fellow officers

Protecting them

Then from my Big Guy, my rock came these words when Dave became too agitated
"It's okay, I've got your back"

Calm again

but still he never asked why

The last moments

surrounded by family

surrounded by his brothers & sisters in blue

I sang to him

We all talked to him

He was with us, he was ready

I had already said goodbye, already released his hand

already told him I could not walk the rest of the path that we had been walking together for so long

He had to cross over

So he let go of my hand and with a beautiful smile &

his words "It's okay" spoken in my heart

my brother left.

but he never asked why

*********************************

I have never asked why either. I have accepted with blind faith that it was Dave's time. I didn't & still don't like that fact. I would give anything, anything to have one more day with my brother. One more concert, one more dance, one more laugh, one more talk. But he knew how much I love him. And one day he will come for me. And I will know why.

blessed be...

Woman, honor thyself...

2009-10-29T06:44:00.001-05:00

PHENOMENAL WOMAN

by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing of my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them,

They say they still can't see.

I say

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

The palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

from And Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

****************************

Today, tomorrow, every minute, every time you feel life is getting you down remember...you are PHENOMENAL!!! always, in every way. Honor yourself!!!

blessed be...

For Jen

2009-10-25T19:15:00.000-05:00

Me & Jen

2009

I just love this girl!! She is such a lovely young woman: kind, compassionate, loving, giving, radiant. A gifted writer with much to say. Jen writes from a very special place deep within. She is the heartbeat & voice of GenX. Be sure you visit her blog at http://www.jenx67.com/. She epitomizes Christianity at its best. She is a fabulous mother with beautiful, happy, well-adjusted, loving children. Not to mention a wonderful wife with the husband Great Spirit intended for her. She has blessed my life so much. We connected through our blogs & when we met it was like sitting down with an old friend I had not seen for awhile. Cannot wait to get together again. This post is for her.

***************************

In response to my last post --

jenX said...

if you had a 12-year-old daughter and only a week to live what would you tell her? i'm not dying or anything, but bombarded by the thought that my daughter will spring from home in six or seven fast years.

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Well, if I had a 12-yr old daughter & a week to live there would so many things that would go through my mind about preparing her for life beyond age 12, life faced without my influence. I would think about all the milestones to come in her life that I would miss & the things that I would want to say at each of those milestones. I think all of those pieces of wisdom, suggestions, hopes, instructions boil down to the following.

Find your passion & live it. If you are passionate about what you do, you will be successful. Maybe not in society's estimation, but your life will be meaningful & fulfulling.
Never, never allow yourself to be defined by a man. Your identity is your own, no one can give that to you or take that away from you.
Always have your own money. Keep money that is yours separate. It may be money you earned or inherited, but always have enough money of your own to be independent. Should the unexpected happen you will be able to take care of yourself & your family, if you have one.
Get an education. It may not be a formal college degree, but be educated. Whatever it is you choose to do as a living outside your home, learn all you can & stay current with the knowledge, even if you are not actively working in that field. You might be a stay at home mom, but keep up with your chosen career. You never know when you might have to rejoin the workforce. Make sure your skills stay current.
Always see the wonder in life. Be in awe of the beauty of a sunrise, sunset, thunderstorm, the night sky, a bright sunny day. Rejoice in the miracle of birth whether it be a child or an animal. See the beauty in a smile.
In the words of Maya Angelou - "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". Trust your instincts. Listen to that small quiet voice deep within. If something does not feel right, it isn't. If you feel the need to run, RUN!! Always, always trust yourself.
Believe in Great Spirit or whatever you choose to call that which is greater than us. There is something bigger than us, more knowing, benevolent, loving, & just waiting for you to ask for guidance.
Know that you are here for a purpose. While it may take you a lifetime to find that purpose you will find it. All the roads you take will continue to lead you to that purpose no matter your detours. Keep looking, keep trusting, keep believing.
Live by your sense of right & wrong. Do not allow anyone to sway you away from your beliefs, your sense of morality. Do not give pieces of yourself away to someone who is not worthy.
Be careful of your friends. Choose people who share your belief system, your sense of morality. While you may not believe it now, you will become known by the company you keep. Be sure that the image you project is the image you want others to have of you.
No matter what anyone says, it is important to "save yourself" for marriage. There is no such thing as casual sex. There is always an emotional connection for a girl & hurt, blame, & self recrimination can run very deep. Just because you don't go "all the way" does not mean you didn't have sex. Any form of sexual contact carries consequences that can have a very heavy price. Pregnancy is not the only thing that can happen. Sexually transmitted diseases can be with you for a lifetime and have a lifetime of consequences. HIV is real & is still a death sentence even with the treatments available. This kind of decision outside of a mature, committed relationship can alter the course of your life.
For every action there is a consequence. So always think about your life decisions before you make them. Don't just decide to do something without throughly examining the pros & cons. This goes for who to date/marry, where to live, buying a car, buying a house, having children, a job. Remember this in all life-changing decisions. Make a list -- pros/cons, weigh them out, make an informed decision.
Always, always love yourself. Know that you are perfect just as you are. Be self-confident, self-reliant. Believe in yourself as the unique individual you were created to be.
In the midst of adversity always remember to stop & say Thank You. It can be a prayer, a plea, a statement, an affirmation. If the only prayer you say at night is Thank you, it is enough.
Never be afraid to apologize. Always say "I'm sorry" if you have hurt someone. Few do, but it can make a world of difference to you & the other person toward growth. It is hard, but it will heal hearts.
Life is a Journey, not a destination. Live fully, be happy, travel, learn about other cultures, expand your knowledge of the world, be open to new ideas, do not be afraid to go skydiving or mountain climbing or anything else that you think might be fun. It is the Adventure of the Journey that broadens us as individuals in order for us to fully realize who we are meant to be as a humanbeing.
Remember...we are spiritual beings having a human experience. That which is your spirit, your energy, is your true authentic self. Always honor that authenticity. Be honest, be honorable, live by your word, be a friend, be kind, be compassionate. Give of yourself. Even if it is just a smile to a stranger on the street. That may be the only smile that person has seen in awhile.

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Well, that is what I would tell a daughter whether I had an hour, a day, a week, or a lifetime to live. I would want her to know how to survive in a harsh world, but not to be harsh. I would want her to be loving & compassionate while being strong, brave, independent, & self-reliant. I would want her to value herself so others would also value her. I would want her to respect herself so others would respect her. I would want her to love herself so she would recognize true love when it was given to her. I would want her to demand excellence from herself so that she would recognize excellence in others. I would want her to live without prejudice, fear, or anger at others. I would want her to grow each day as a person, learning who she is. I would want her to recognize that she need not practice perfectionism, but simply do her best each day. Through mistakes we learn to be better people-at work, at school, in life. It is not the mistakes that are important but the lessons we learn from them.

blessed be...

Inquiring minds want to know...

2009-10-19T13:30:00.001-05:00

I have concluded my 7 Random Facts about myself plus adding a bonus Random Fact #8. Anyone who would like to share their Random Facts, feel free to do so on your blog. Just let me know in the comments so I can visit & learn more about you.

Additionally, when I have read memes from others, their posts sometimes open up questions that I would like to ask. So, based on the Random Facts or anything else you have read on my blog, do you have questions for me? Ya'll know I am bluntly honest & that nothing about me is really off limits so if you have a pressing question or if you are curious about me or something I have written leave your question in the comments of this blog. If you read me on Facebook, please connect to my blog to ask your questions. I will answer all the questions on my next post. Send um my way dear readers. I want to know all of ya'll better so you need to know me better. Also, if there is anything that you would like to see me post more about please let me know. Suggestions are always welcome.

Looking forward to some fun with this one.

blessed be...

Random Facts #8 -- The Bonus

2009-10-18T18:49:00.000-05:00

I promised a bonus random fact so here it is.

Random Fact #8 -- I want to be a standup comedian

Yep, that's right. I want to do comedy. I really never thought I was all that funny, but others always have & still do. My life offers lots of material & I have on occassion launched into my "routine" as a way to mask the pain of the situation I am relating. Trust me, I don't make this stuff up I just put a humorous spin on it (if you have listened to me tell a story or relate an incident you just may have experienced this). Laughter is healing & comedy can give a wonderful perspective to something one considers painful.

I have done material on my Mother & our relationship, my foray into the Pentecostal church (which I loved btw & would never disrespect, but some things I have witnessed are funny), my ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends, situtations in which I have found myself throughout my life, even my son. If I have experienced it, I have made a joke about it. My Mom has made me promise that I will not take my show on the road until she is dead. She thinks someone might recognize her in my routine. Well, duh!!!

Anyway, that is my secret (until now) ambition. I would love to stand on a stage every night & exorcise my past through humor. Truth is stranger than fiction. And my life would make a sitcom.

blessed be...

Random Fact #7

2009-10-16T10:11:00.001-05:00

Random Fact #7 -- I have been writing a novel for the last 10 years.

Not full-time, obviously, but sometimes more than others. I have written several short stories, started another couple of novels, & I wrote an Easter play for the church I attended several years ago (very well received btw). I haven't written anything for the last few years except my journal & this blog. The book is always in the back of my mind & lately I have been toying with the idea of leaving it as is as sort of a short story, combining it with my other short stories & partially written novels & seeing how that feels to me for a published work. I would like to take some of my writings from this blog & my two previous ones for combination into another book. I really enjoy writing, telling my stories (both true & imaginary). I made up stories to tell my son when he was little. I like storytelling. I think it is a part of my heritage (Irish-great storytellers, Native-history was verbal & passed down through stories). I enjoy the written word, painting pictures with words. I like verbal storytelling because I can interject my humor & emotions in the telling. This leads me into a bonus Random Fact. Look for Random Fact #8 coming soon.

blessed be...

Random Fact #6

2009-10-06T10:00:00.000-05:00

Random Fact #6 -- My Heros

I thought about my last two random facts & several things came to mind, but in my effort to share who I am, why I am, & what has helped shape the person I am today I decided to write about my heros. They are eclectic, varied, expected perhaps, & perhaps unexpected. They all offer insight into all that has shaped me from Back in the Day to Today. My heros are offered in no particular order of importance because I believe they hold equal importance in the shaping of me mentally, emotionally, & spiritually - giving me inspiration that has led to many awakenings within both my conscienceness & unconcienceness.

John F. Kennedy -- He was the first President I remember from campaign to election then to that fateful day in Dallas. His photograph hung in my Daddy's office. "Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country" That one statement has come to me so often over the years. It is one of the reasons, as a very broke single mother, I never accepted help from the Federal Government even though I was supposedly "entitled" & it certainly would have lifted a huge amount of stress from my life. No Food Stamps, no financial assistance. I just hunkered down & worked. I always figured there were people who really needed help but I was not one of them. My son was always fed, clothed, & a roof over his head. There were alot of times I did not eat, but he always did. That single statement given on a cold morning in Washington, DC shaped my attitude about what I expected from myself. That makes JFK my hero because he challenged me to be self-sufficient & to not take what would have been an easy road.

Jacqueline Kennedy -- for her grace, class, composure, inner strength. From her I learned dignity under fire. Dignity in the face of unspeakable horror. Dignity to carry on & do what was expected. To do things well with grace & a certain flair. I will never forget her stoically walking behind her husband's casket. She could have easily fallen apart, but instead she became a tower of strength not only for her family but for a Nation. She was a true lady & I have always strived to have the type of grace & dignity she portrayed. Jackie is my hero because she showed me how to be strong in a quiet calmness.

Mother Teresa -- "We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love" These have become words by which I live. I do not believe I chose this Journey to become famous or well-known. But I know that I do touch other lives. I strive to touch those lives with love, understanding, tolerance, compassion, & true caring for another person. I may not agree with what another is going through or the path that person has chosen, but I can offer sympathy & empathy rather than adding to their dilemma. Speaking from a place of love, from my true Spirit. Many times I have had to remind myself that I am not here to fix things, but to offer support. To offer heartfelt, true listening. Mother Teresa is my hero because she took Jesus' words "That which you do for the least of mine, you do for Me" & truly lived them.

Jason, my son -- He is my hero because he has risen. Risen above all the crap of his childhood, risen above the mother I was & wasn't, risen above the lack of an example of how to be a responsible man/father, risen above his own demons. He has risen to become a productive member of society - a good, loving, true husband - a kind, gentle, loving, involved, engaged, present father who is raising happy, secure, well-rounded children with the help of my daughter-in-law, Jessica, who is my hero for believing in, loving, & standing by my son while he struggled to become the man he is today, & for being the most wonderful mother I can imagine for my grandchildren. Together they have built a strong, healthy, happy, well adjusted, wonderful family. I am so very proud of them both. They are a blessing.

Dave, my brother -- "Life may not give us what we expected, but we can still dance" In the face of an incurable, terminal illness he always danced both figuratively & literally. He knew how to be a good friend & once you were Dave's friend you were always Dave's friend. He truly loved people. Dave faced his impending death with such humor, dignity, grace, & acceptance. This is not to say he laid down & died because he most assuredly did not. He loved life, lived it fully. He sought out every possible treatment. He put himself through hell trying to live. But when the inevitable happened & he was told there would be no more remissions, no cure, no treatment to stop the growth of the NHL he began to prepare to die. He said his goodbyes, he did everything he wanted to do, we spent 10 days in Key West. We danced, we laughed, we cried, we talked. As his time grew nearer & he was confined to his bed he lived on the phone. He called everyone he had ever known & made amends if he felt he needed to do so. He said his goodbyes while he still could. My brother, as I have said many times, taught me how to live fully in the moment & he taught me how to die with grace, dignity, & acceptance. For this he is my hero. Catch you on the Other Side, little brother.

My heros have always been Cowboys -- As a kid I was into all that was western (movies, tv, books) -- Roy Rogers, Dale Evans, John Wayne, Gunsmoke, Foreman Scotty (for all ya'll OK baby boomers), Wagon Train, Wanted Dead or Alive, Maverick, The Guns of Will Sonnett, Cheyenne, Sugarfoot (have I dated myself yet???). From all of these there were morality lessons. Lessons on how to be a true, honest human who lived with a code with integrity. As I grew up, I met real cowboys. Cowboys who worked on ranches, cowboys who rodeoed. It was the attitude, the lifestyle, the way of life that made the genre as well as the reality of cowboys appealing to me. The code of ethics that a true cowboy lives by, the respect for the land, the ability to be true to ones self, honesty, standing by one's word when it is given, honor, integrity, & to live exactly as you believe - that is why Cowboys have always been my heros.

Dalai Lama -- "Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion."--His Holiness the Dalai Lama, from "Kindness, Clarity, and Insight"

His Holiness is my hero for the way he lives, for his works, for his love, for his teachings. While I am not Buddhist, I do identify very closely with Eastern teachings. His writings have lead me through some very trying times. I have found comfort in his words & in his life. He is my hero because he truly embodies all that he teaches.

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The list could go on. I have friends who are my heros because of the adversities they have overcome, for the hard choices they have made, for their charitiable works, for living true to themselves, for living true to their beliefs, for embracing their heritage. Each of you who are in my life at this moment, those who are my Tribe, you too are my heros. Why? because you are YOU & you make my life richer.

blessed be...

Random Fact #5

2009-09-29T13:34:00.003-05:00

Random Fact #1 -- I was a cocktail waitress in Nevada
Random Fact #2 -- I was married to a professional gambler
Random Fact #3 -- I am multi-racial

Random Fact #4 -- I graduated from college in 3 yrs

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Random Fact #5 -- I am an actress. Yep, I actually had a supporting role in an independent film shot in Dale, OK .

Outsiders Productions is an OK film company founded by Adam Hampton & Jason Alexander. They were film students at ECU & one day I saw an interview with them in the school newspaper. They were still looking to cast the part of the lead characters step-mother. Well, I was the right age, I have a drama degree, & at the time I was going through my brother's last year of life in the world. I needed to find something to do that was just for me. Something that took my mind off all that was going on in my life at the time. So, I called them up & auditioned. I had such a blast working on this project. They guys delivered the rough cut to me just weeks before Dave died. He was so excited to see his big sis on film. So he got to see me act before he left for his next adventure. After "Looking for Hope" I did some extra work with a small speaking part for Outsiders in the film "Bowlin Alley" shot in Ada, OK at the local bowling alley. Very funny film &, again, I had a blast working with these talented young people. Who knows, maybe they will have another part for me one day. In the meantime, I have the DVD to leave to my grandkids. I also did a short film at ECU for one of the film students called "The Widows Club". It is a very dark comedy. Again, such fun to do the part.

So, I sometimes think about getting involved again with theater, but I really prefer the film genre. I enjoy the process of filming, being able to look at the dailies & critique my work before it is finalized. Will I ever aggresively pursue an acting career? No, but it is fun to get outside yourself & be someone else once in a while. I found so much in my own life to draw on for the character of Gretta in "Looking for Hope". It was a creative outlet to get rid of some baggage. Plus it was just fun. We filmed in the rain, cold, heat, inside, outside. But I loved the process. I really need to get back in touch with those guys. See what they have going on.

Oh, BTW I think this is funny. When I was traveling to Seattle every three months to spend time with my then fiance (and working on "Looking for Hope" at the time), I flew in one evening with Lobo in tow (he was just 6 months old & my only furkid at the time) & met Big Guy curbside outside of baggage claim. As we were leaving there was very little traffic (quite unusual for SeaTac) & he commented that there was huge traffic jam getting into the airport so he was surprised that we were just flying out with no problems. I laughed as I was putting on my shades & said "Dodged the paparazzi once again".

blessed be...

Back In The Day//Random Fact #4

2009-09-23T11:08:00.001-05:00

To recap:

Random Fact #1 -- I was a cocktail waitress in Nevada
Random Fact #2 -- I was married to a professional gambler
Random Fact #3 -- I am multi-racial

Random Fact #4

I graduated from college in 3 yrs (actually 3 years 3 months).

I started to college two weeks after I graduated from High School. I was so excited to move away from home. First time I had ever been able to make my own decisions, choose who I would date without asking permission from my father. The freedom was quite mind-boggling. But I loved living in the dorm, choosing how my days would progress, making new friends.

During Summer School, only one dorm was open back in the day. So it was co-ed with sections for girls & sections for guys. I went to school back in the day when girls were still locked in after certain hours & you had to sign in & out of the dorm when you left. I lived in co-ed housing during the Summer & an all girls dorm Fall & Spring semesters. The guys had no such restrictions. Can you say double standard!!!????!!! But still it was more freedom than I had ever known in my life.

I advised my parents that so long as a dorm was open & classes offered I would not be coming home. I didn't go home on weekends, I only went home on breaks & between semesters when the dorms were closed. I took classes anytime they were offered. I went regular semesters & what was then called mini-mesters (classes offered between regular semesters). In doing so, I was a Freshman, a Junior, a Senior. I completely skipped my Sophomore year because of my credit hours.

I dated an art student, several Viet Nam vets, & finally my first husband. We were "dropped"(a pendent with his initials), promised (I got a very small , can you say chip, diamond promise ring one Christmas of which my dad made fun), engaged the following Summer (a 1/4 carat diamond ring he picked out which sadly I never liked. May have foretold the direction of the marriage), & finally married our last year in college & lived in Married Student Housing. I liked being a wife. After all, my parents by their own admission had sent me to college to find a husband. I wanted to go to law school, travel to Europe, but none of that happened. He graduated the following May & I graduated in August. We both worked at the bookstore on campus plus my Mom continued to pay for my tuition & books. He was going to school on the GI Bill. For college students we were very well off. Our friends ate at our apartment often because I cooked & we had the money to grocery shop for steaks, etc. It was a good time. I baked all the time so our friends who worked on the ground crew were always knocking on the door for snacks. That was one of the best times in my life.

So, I earned my B.A. in Education (major in Drama, minor in English) in 3 years (1970-1973).

Go Tigers!!!!

blessed be...

7 Random Facts - Part 3

2009-09-19T19:18:00.001-05:00

RANDOM FACT #3

I am multi-racial. The pictures above honor some of my heritage.

While I was blond, blue-eyed w/freckles when I was a child I am in fact of the following heritage:

Cherokee
Choctaw
African-American
Irish
English
German
Southern

My Great-Great-Great Grandfather was a Confederate soldier -The Stars & Bars fly over his grave every Memorial Day. I have the right to be a member of the Daughters of the Confederacy (I am not nor do I have any plans of joining). I am decended from Southerns on both sides of my family.

I am Cherokee, Irish, German (3rd or 4th generation in the US), & English on my Mother's side -Choctaw & Irish on my Dad's. My African-American ancestors come from my Dad's Choctaw side. When my brother was first on the APD, he went on a call one night, & he advised the person to whose house he responded to come to the station the next day to file a complaint.   When the person arrived, he was asked which officer had come on the call. He had failed to remember the name but responded "the black officer". There were no African-American officers on the force. My brother looked like a full-blood Indian but he did have strong African-American features also so I guess that dark night that is what the person saw.

All my life I have lived with people looking at me & making an assumption that I am white. I have had some very troubling comments made to me &/or in my presence because the person thought it was ok to make a prejudicial statement or use a derogotory epitath in my presence based on that assumption. I am quick to voice my disgust & have on several occasions asked "What nationality/race do you think I am?" Then I proceed to tell my heritage.   It is always interesting to see the look on someone's face when I let them know that I am a "....... Indian" , "lazy Irish", ".....German", "Redneck Southerner", or that I have black ancesters.

I consider myself to be a citizen of the World, a member of the Human Race, an Indian (with no Indian name). I have the attitude of a Black Woman, the gift of Second Sight that comes from both my Irish & Native blood, & the gift of compassion that comes from identifying with all of my ancestors. I was not raised to be prejudiced. That was the one good thing my parents did in raising me.    But, I also was not raised to be embrace my heritage. I came to that on my own. I have embraced all that has gone into making me the person I am today. I know who I am. I know why I am who I am.

I am proud to be all of the above. As my license plate proclaims "G.R.I.T.S." an acronim for Girl Raised in the South I am proud of the positive things it means to be Southern - grace, hospitality, a sense of community.   I have African-American art in my home, I smudge my house & myself with sage in the Native tradition. I honor the beliefs of all my ancestors. I honor Mother Earth, my Totem (who is important in both my Tribes), my gifts of Second Sight, visions, my intuition which comes from both my Irish & Native ancestors. I think my story-telling ablilites come from both my Irish & Native heritage. The Irish are wonderful storytellers & Native Americans have always used verbal history before there was a written history.

I am blessed to have had all the ancestors who came before me. They live within my Spirit & influence my Journey each day.

I bet you know which Wolf I fed.

blessed be...

Back in the Day - Part 2

2009-09-16T16:02:00.001-05:00

Well, here we are dear readers.

To continue along the Casino road of my life. Random Fact #2

I was once married to a professional gambler. Yep, Dud #2, aka Cowboy, was a professional card player. He had made his living that way for years before I met him. I had sat at the card tables with him many times. He was a good player. He knew odds & percentages. He knew the angles, he calculated his moves. He didn't take risks. He was a solid player. Or so it seemed

Let me say, however, that he had a glitch or two when we were in Mesquite. He went to Vegas one day to play & proceeded to come home without the Christmas fund. I could have killed him. My son had Christmas though. I saw to that.

Then...The day we moved to Las Vegas, one of his friends/fellow card players from WA won the World Series of Poker. While Cowboy was happy for his friend he was also very jealous. Kept saying "I'm a better player, I could win that." Now, here we were in Vegas - again I was looking for a job & told many times I was not the "Vegas Type", translated to mean no silicone. Well, DUH!!! Now, Cowboy was on a mission to prove to everyone he was a better card player than a guy who just won the World Series of Poker. CRAP!! As if I didn't have enough going on in my life. Now he was going to go back to playing cards for a living as he had done for several years before I met him. CRAP!!! Just when I had, or so I thought, convinced him that a full-time job was really what he should be doing. His idea of a full-time job was to go to work in a poker room as a shill. CRAP!!! He still had to gamble with his own money to keep the game going. My idea of a full-time job was dealing blackjack which he had done in Reno years before, tending bar which he could do, working in a hotel or a store. Selling cars, he had done that years before too. But, he would have none of my ideas so back to the card rooms he went. He would have good days. In fact, he had a real run of good luck for quite sometime. Then he would have to pawn his diamond rings to get another buyin to a game. Those rings were in & out of the pawn shop quite a few times over the next few years. I found a job. he played cards. When he was winning he was a joy to be around, but when he lost I would have just as soon moved to Alaska & stayed there til his luck returned. I was told so many times I was bad luck because he did not feel that I was supportive enough of his career. CAREER!!!!???? What career??? I was working to support 3 people & keep the bills paid. His money went to the card rooms. Never really knew how much he won/lost.

During the last year we lived in Vegas he got on a very bad losing streak. He had lost before but never that badly. He was all stressed out, had gained 70-80 lbs and was mad, really mad, all the time. He had been abusive to me over the years (it starts gradually & then escalates. That's how you get sucked into the pattern) but now he was downright mean. Verbally, physically, emotionally. I realized, and my friends started to comment, that I was very very afraid of him. He was an ex-boxer & much bigger/stronger than me. I called Gamblers Anonymous for advice. He stopped gambling all together but then he just sat around the house all day moping & harassing me at work or he would come to the bar & sit there all day watching me. My life was deteriorating around me rapidly. He finally, in a moment of weakness, admitted that he had been winning on the tables all along. But as he would leave to come home there was this one particular poker machine that just called his name, then proceeded to eat his lunch. He just knew he could beat that machine, it became personal. So the winnings all got pissed away to a mechnical opponent. At this point, I filed for divorce. When that happened he called a childhood friend in OR & flew there to try to get his head back on straight. As abused women will do, I panicked. How would I survive all alone, just me & the kid, in Vegas?? Looking back I would have done quite well. After all I was making really good money & living well especially since I no longer had a gambler dragging me down. Friends offered to babysit for me, I was the manager at the bar by now so I rearranged the schedule so I no longer worked nights. Then he called. I had a major panic attack, quit my job, packed up myself & the kid & hit the road to OR. Drove straight through from Vegas to Portland stopping only for gas & drive thrus.

And, that dear readers is how I got to Oregon.

blessed be...

Back in the Day--Part 1

2009-09-15T09:26:00.006-05:00

My good friend, Barry @ http://www.sulustu.blogspot.com/ tagged me for this meme. Seven Random/Weird Things about yourself. Well, ya'll probably know there are several weird things about me LOL. You guys know alot about me already since I tend to be very honest about myself. So, for several days, I have been thinking what 7 random/weird things would I tell that are new, interesting, etc. Today is Number 1 on the list. I will post them, as Barry did, in installments. Maybe one each day, maybe once a week. Who knows, we'll just see where the muse leads.

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Now, you're probably wondering what the pictures above are all about. A map with Mesquite, NV starred & the shot down what is the main drag in Mesquite. Well, welcome to Random Fact #1.

In 1982, I moved to this small sleepy town on the Nevada/Arizona border. My now ex was offered a job there selling time-shares to an old resort from the 40's that was being refurbished. There were very few places to live & even less places to work. I had always done office work. Well, we spent all our money moving, getting set up in an apartment, etc. His job fell through or so he told me. We were out of money, my parents would not help, he had no family who would help, we were stuck & broke. Really broke. He refused to look for work-he just sat down & had a breakdown-then he began gambling which was how he had made his living for several years. But that is another story for another time. I knew I had to find a job-I had my son to think about. Cowboy (Dud #2) suggested I go down to the Peppermill Casino. Casino???? Me???? What the hell would I do in a CASINO??? The Peppermill was the only place hiring, really the only place to work at the time. So, I applied. Did I go to work in the office?? No, I became a COCKTAIL WAITRESS. Yep, shy, naive, scared little girl from OK became a cocktail waitress. Very short denim skirt with fringe so short it had the tights sewed in. Tight vest & western shirt with cowboy boots. I, for those of you who do not know me personally, have very long legs. In fact if I didn't I would only be 4 foot tall. So, 5'7" is mostly legs, especially when you weigh only 100 lbs. I refused to have any pictures taken of me in that outfit, but I wore it every day for the year it took for save the funds to move into Las Vegas. I had hair down to my waist, lots of make-up, & a drive to feed my son, provide a home.

I hated that job in the beginning. I was just mortified by it. After all, good girls in OK just didn't work in a CASINO for gosh sakes & wear skirts up to here & shirts open down to there. But, after I learned the ropes of cocktailing & began to learn how to tend bar it got to be fun. Plus, I made REALLY good money. A bad day was $100 in tips. I rarely had a bad day. I also started to find my voice, my strength, my ability to survive. I developed a very sarcastic sense of humor, a way with words, I could cut an out of line customer to pieces with a look & a finely phrased insult. My regulars loved me. I found my sense of humor. In the beginning I was funny because I was so green I would say something never realizing the double meaning. People laughed. Sometimes I had to have it explained to me. Usually I was then mortified, but I learned. I became worldly, developed street smarts, & I learned to make ditzy work to my advantage. I can still turn it on & off. I learned I liked interacting with people day in & day out. I learned I was very good at slinging drinks. My memory came in very handy because I would remember what someone drank a year later. I was good at remembering faces & drinks. Not so good with names but that didn't matter. I learned to standup for myself. Stuck my finger in the face of a very large Hell's Angel one day & gave him what for because he whistled to get my attention. Advised him I was not a German Shepard & that he could call me Miss or by my name if he needed to get my attention. He apologized & always came by if he was in the area. Nice guy.

I've been pinched, patted, poked, touched inappropriately & handled it all by myself. Guy knew he had got hold of a she-wolf if he got out of line with me. I did not take that kind of treatment. Oh, I would go home in tears sometimes, but the offender never saw me cry. He always got a piece of my attitude. I never had to use security to handle a drunk. I learned to handle them myself. I gained respect for myself & in turn gained respect from my customers.

I met so many interesting people. Miners, broken-down cowboys (one of them always reminded me of the cowboy in the song "Queen of the Silver Dollar" ), gamblers, bikers, truckers, the down-trodden, the down & out. Sad, lonely people. But I liked them all. I found their stories enlightening, I found my love for people that had been lying dormant in my spirit. I truly cared about them all.

Every Sunday, the polygamist families would come for dinner (that's the noon meal for all ya'll non-Southerners) at the buffet. They also ran the local grocery store. Very polite, never looked right or left as they passed the bar heading for the restaurant. Husband in front, wives single file behind him, kids following their moms. Even in the grocery they would not carry on a conversation. I would have really liked to know them better. I bought my car tag in Colorado City, AZ. Everyone there was also wary of outsiders, understandably so, but they took my money, gave me a car tag, & watched me leave town.

So, after leaving Mesquite & moving to Las Vegas, I continued my career move as a cocktail waitress later becoming a bartender then moving to bar/restaurant management. I liked the bar business, the late hours, the people, the challenges, & the ability to make more money than I had ever made in my life. By today's standards, I still made more money in Vegas than I make now. At one time I would jokingly say "Someday I'll be the World's Oldest Bartender". That was not meant to be.

In that line of work, my shoulder was dislocated when I fell behind the bar & almost ripped the muscle out of my left arm on the handle of a beer cooler & my thumb was dislocated because a drunk who happened to be a lawyer in a suit/tie bent my right thumb back until it touched my wrist. Hurt like hell. A biker pulled him off me. God love my bikers!!

I have broken up more bar fights than I care to remember, hauled guys off each other & threw them out the door, I know how to use the business end of a pool cue when I need to. I have mopped up blood, bandaged wounds, counseled, listened, cajoled, threatened, hugged, & cried with my customers. I never thought anything about jumping out from behind the bar & grabbing a guy throwing punches. I could usually have him out the door before he realized a "girl" was throwing him out. I was brave... or maybe just stupid. But whatever it worked. I never used bouncers in the places I managed. They were just an invitation for someone to take a swing at them. But, I never never tried to break up a fight between women. I always called the cops for that. Women fight dirty. They can be much more dangerous than men. I knew my limitations.

I have heard many stories standing behind the bar. But the one that has haunted me for over 20 yrs was told to me by a regular customer that I had known for years. He & his children had gone up in a private plane with a friend. He was holding his baby son (not yet 2 yrs old) on his lap. The door came open & his son was sucked out of his arms into space. He told me of finding his son's little shoe, then his body, how it felt when he picked the baby up. He told me how guilty he still felt. He cried from sadness, guilt, remorse, memory, & a hurt that will never leave him. I can still see that picture in my mind. I don't think it will ever leave me. I think of that man often. May Great Spirit give him peace & the ability to forgive himself.

I cocktailed/tended bar in Nevada for 7 years. Then I continued the Journey in Oregon, bartending/managing bars & taverns for another 7 years.

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So, my Journey toward today, the person I am meant to be, began in a Casino in the Nevada desert, far from OK, far from all that was familiar, far so very far from who I thought I was & would always be. The road has lead me many places, to many experiences that have shaped me. The Journey will continue with my remaining 6 facts.

blessed be...

09/11/2001

2009-09-11T10:28:00.002-05:00

We all have something that stood out, touched us, made us cry, made us sad, made us angry, gave us back our patriotism on that day 8 years ago.

As all Americans did, I watched the horror unfold. I called my brother, a police officer, & told him "I love you" "Be careful". No one knew what would continue to unfold that day. What else might happen.

As the day(s) unfolded the memory that has stayed with me was this:

A NY firefighter went into one of the Towers & did not come out. His brother, a NYPD officer, stood vigil at the point where he entered the building vowing not to move until his brother's body was recovered. He refused food/drink. He stood vigil for his fallen brother. Today that still brings tears to my eyes & an ache in my heart. Standing vigil...

blessed be....

Shaving Cream World

2009-08-22T20:27:00.003-05:00

Sometimes a memory from long ago will come to me out of the blue. I know why this one came to mind. I was soaking a very hot tub tonight. Something I have always liked to do when I am tired or have sore muscles. Tonight my shoulders were kinda stiff so I ran a hot bath. Something I have not been able to do for the last two years because my former abode had only a shower. New house has two bathrooms. One has a tub so I soak.

As I was enjoying the bath salts & hot water I remembered the Shaving Cream World. Hadn't thought of that in a very long time. When I was a little girl there were not the very cool tub toys kids have today. The crayons that work with water & what not. Oh we had some boats & duckies but those lose their appeal quickly for a child with a vivid imagination. So one day I discovered the wonders of shaving cream. You could build all kinds of things that floated. For many a night I would take long soaks & build a shaving cream world. Islands, mountains, animals all surrounded me. I loved those moments. Then came the day when I had my world just about the way I wanted it & was enjoying the view. Bathroom door sprung open & the Shaving Cream World was discovered. Evidently my dad had noticed his shaving cream was not lasting as long as it had. Why I was suspected I cannot imagine. But I was discovered, yelled at profusely, & admonished to never touch the shaving cream again. I didn't. I missed the Shaving Cream World. But I still enjoyed a long soak in a hot tub.

Strange, my parents never thought my imagination was cool or funny. Mostly it got me in trouble. I like to think if my son had discovered the Shaving Cream World I would have just laughed & maybe helped him with construction.

Maybe next time I decide to have a long hot soak I will have to take a can with me. I'm sure the Shaving Cream World still awaits. After all, now it's my dime that buys it. ~smiles~

blessed be...

Saving Grace

2009-08-04T08:44:00.002-05:00

An angel offers a jaded Oklahoma City police detective the chance to redeem her life.

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"Why you always get so caught up in which road to take, they all lead to the same place." Earl

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I started watching "Saving Grace" accidentally. I was channel surfing when the first episode came on. It caught me because it was set in OKC. Then I got caught up in the characters of Grace & her angel Earl. I identify with Grace. She is me in another part of my life. I lived a lot like her for several years. I wasn't a cop. I liked to make forays on the other side of that line. Nothing serious, but I did like the bad boys, their toys, & the world they inhabited. I guess in many ways it was rebellion, but on a deeper level it was to assure myself that I was alive. In those circles I was always the most educated, the one who came from, or so they thought, a very suit/tie world. The world of "citizens"- those people who follow the rules, have a steady job, are pillars of the community. This is the fantasy I lived in that circle. In that world I was admired. In the beginning I had no street smarts, but I quickly developed them. I have oh let's use the word dated &/or married bikers, outlaws, theives, dealers, one gun runner, & one member of the KKK (that one scared the hell outta me when I discovered this bit of info-I got outta that very quickly & to this day he does not know I know his secret). I have also run with the rich oil crowd. Dated millionaires, ranchers, etc. Older men, younger men, men my age. Let us just say, I ran the roads pretty hard for awhile (all between the ages of 28 & 30 for the most part-a couple were after my 2nd divorce in '94, after '95 I never dated again until 2000).

To what is all this leading, & how does it involve a TV show? Well, lately, I have been thinking alot about my experiences with angels, demons, ghosts, Great Spirit. I keep coming to this through friends' concerns, other bloggers writings, my own experiences/sightings. The audible voice of Thomas, my angel. Since I was a kid, I have seen what others could not. I have been visited by the departed, those who have crossed over to the Other Side. The first one that I truly remember was my Granddaddy who died when I was 16. He came to me the night after he died. The next one was a high school friend who was killed in a car accident. He visisted many times for awhile after he crossed over. Just checking in I guess. The visits were much like we had been in this existence. Just talking.

When I was 34 my Daddy died. He was a very troubled person & we had a very strained relationship. I will write more about this another time, but my father was gay. Not openly so & he made some very bad decisions in his exploration of who he was. Additionally, he did not want to be a parent. No child should ever know that a parent is unhappy in that role. Before I move on just let me say this. I have no problem that I had a gay parent. My problem was with his treatment of his children, & with some other decisions/experiences he made/chose to have that were inappropriate to say the least. I have known many gay/lesbian couples through the years that are wonderful parents-wonderful, healthy, happy, stable, accomplished people. I think if my Daddy had been able to be openly who he was, he too might have been a better person/parent. I am sorry for the lie he lived & for the damage it did to all of us.

My experiences with my Daddy started the morning he died. I had been in OKC to see him (he spent a month in ICU after a massive heart attack), he knew I was there & I was the last person to whom he spoke. Then there were many complications & he was on life-support. I was living in Vegas at the time & had to return home after several days. I had woke up that morning then decided to go back to sleep. I entered what I describe as a trace like state. Somewhere between awake & asleep. A place where you can travel in other dimensions. There I met my Daddy. We walked, talked, cried, said a lot that we needed to say. He told me how proud of me he had always been. We spent hours together in that place between this life & the Other Side. Then I "woke" with a start & I knew he had died. I rushed downstairs to call the hospital. As I placed my hand on the receiver the phone rang. It was my Mom calling to tell me Daddy had died. My first question was "What time?" It was the exact moment that I had woke up. Oh yes, a couple of days before he died I looked over in the passenger seat of my car & there he was. My first words were "You never ride with me" because in all the years I had been driving he had never ridden with me, he always drove. But there he was. After he died, he would visit at least once a year. Usually around the time he had died. The visits got very frightening. One time, in the middle of the night, a cassette tape holder that was bolted to the studs in the wall came flying off & landed in the middle of the living room floor. Loaves of bread would be pitched at me when I was at work alone & my back was turned. After the tape shelf incident I advised him that while he could visit anytime he wanted he could not scare me or my family. After that the visits stopped & have never resumed.

After I left my 2nd husband & was packing to leave Portland, my Nanny appeared in my bedroom door. I assured her I was alright & she left. She has never returned. My brother used to be standing at the end of my street in uniform when I would be out with the dogs late at night. He has spoken to me several times. I saw him at a concert dancing like he always did. I have seen him on his bike, all decked out in his leathers riding free.

Those have all been good experiences. But I have had darker ones, too. Demons have visited me many times. Sometimes they have taken up residence in the house. I was never aware of them until probably 20o0. That is when I started giving my testimony quite often. Telling my story. I think they were always present, but when I was living my other life, they were happy & stayed in the background. Then I began living as I do now. I got clean/sober. I no longer kept the secrets. I talked about it all. I told my truth. Then they appeared. I have always said there was wailing in hell when I straighted up. The devil lost a soul. But it was a soul he had never really had-guess he thought there was a chance so long as I stayed in that life. The war stated for me when all chances were dashed. First it was just little ones. Just small dark shadows. Then they got bigger & bigger. The largest one stood 10-12 ft tall & was huge. I would see them stalking around outside the house. They were always in my room. I would get pushed down when no one was around. Hard shoves that sent me flying. I fought them with all that was at my disposal. Great Spirit, my Totem, smudging the house, the yard, my car. Banishing them in the name of Jesus. They came back when my brother was dying. Tried to get him before it was too late. Didn't succeed at that either. Mom & I fought them w/Great Spirit & won.

Lest you think I have had only bad experiences with the unseen forces that walk beside us in this Life. I have had good ones too. Friendly, bright spirits that come with messages or who just like to inhabit the space. There was a little girl who lived in one house with me. Then she moved to the next house. Also a former resident of the house visited. It was all very nice. They were just hanging out. The little girl even had a message for one of my friends & they talked at great lengths.

Lately, it has just been my Totem the great wolf who is present. He never leaves. He had been staying outside for years, but the last few months has moved into the house. Wolf just hangs out. My furkids see him too. Zane will track him through the house & sometimes sits & stares. Lobo (who is named for my Totem) also runs around with him. Scrappy sees him but is not fazed. Just takes it as routine. Sometimes Wolf just hangs out, sometimes I see him moving through the house, other times he will walk by & brush my arm. It is comforting & I am blessed he stays close.

So, what has all this to do with "Saving Grace" you ask. Well, Grace is at that crossroads. She has to decide which side she is on. She is a good cop, deep down a good person but she has not committed to that which is greater than her. Earl has come to help her with that. So like my Thomas he talks, he counsels, he cajols, he is ever there. He is trying to lead her to that Higher Power that can give her the peace she craves-the answers she needs. It has been an interesting journey so far & I watch each week to see if her path will converge with mine in Enlightenment.

Saving Grace, Amazing Grace - Angels, Spirits, Visitations- Are you open to your moment of Enlightenment? Take the Journey, hear your Angel's voice. It is worth the ride. Great Spirit awaits.

blessed be...

I'm baaaack!!!

2009-08-03T08:55:00.002-05:00

Well, it has been awhile. I have been in the new house for a week now. I got all the laundry done this weekend, the spare bedroom is done, my office is done, the bathrooms are done, the living room is liveable, the kitchen was done but now I have more stuff to put away. So, I have a few more boxes to unpack, the kitchen to straighten again, put away the rest of my books (found a neat little bookcase on the curb in the neighborhood this morning & I needed another one-Yippeee!), get the dining room together & I am done. Who would have thought that after 3 times of downsizing I would still have so much STUFF?!?!?! I will post pictures of the house just as soon as I complete the unpacking. It is so nice to have the washer & dryer in the garage not to mention the joy of having an attached garage. Plus no flooded garage when it rains.

Sparky found the problem with the Yardbug (my small riding mower), broken shifter cable. That is why it was stuck in neutral. Good thing, that way we were able to ascertain that after cleaning the carborator, changing the oil, & spark plug as well as putting on a new tire it still runs after sitting for a year. We were able to check it out by finally manually shifting it via the control box into forward & I got to run around the yard a bit. We went online, ordered the part, & after the comment from Sparky, "you're probably not going to change it so might as well ship it to my house" we finalized the order & the part should be on its way to SPARKY this week. I wasn't gonna change it. Why does he think I have him in my life anyway?!?!?!?! LOL

This is the other funny thing. Sparky, in the beginning of our latest adventure together-3+ yrs ago now (9yrs off & on totally)-was not too enamoured with "the boys". Dogs LOVE him BTW. He is just one of those people that dogs think are cool. Mine puppy pounch on him continually & sit on him while we watch TV, trying to sneak in the occasional kiss not to mention hugs. Anywho...he has come to love the pupsters. He talks to them, plays with them, & evidently worries about them. Zane has been somewhat off his food since the move. Plus he has been bullying Scrappy again. We won't talk about the fact the little scum bit me a few weeks ago because I think that was as much my fault as his & he was shocked it happened too. But, I digress. Last night Sparky called & informed me that if Zane did not get back to his usual chowhound persona, I should take him to the vet 'cause he might be sick. I agreed. I just found it so cute that the Sparkman would be looking out for Zane the Magnificant (he named Zane that BTW). I think Zane is his favorite if the truth be known.

Other good news-I went to Sonic for a drink Fri night & when I came home my yard was being mowed. So I, of course, asked if they were at the wrong house. Come to find out, the Chickasaw Nation is mowing it because it is part of their program for their Senior Citizens (my landlord is Chickasaw). He told them to go ahead & continue to mow it. So, every two weeks through Sept. my yard work will be done for FREE. I am a blessed woman!! May not have my CDIB card, but the Nation is taking care of my yard. Maybe they will do so next year also.

The boys have learned to use the doggy door. Only thing is, they think it only works one-way--IN. I have to open the door to let them out. If I leave the doggy door accessable when they are out, they tend to come in then want right back out. Just like kids-in & out, in & out. So, I only open it when it is time for them to come in. They absolutely love the new backyard. It is HUGE! They have a new doggy friend behind us, Umbri, who is just about their size & looks to be a pug mix. Next door is the cutest apricot poodle (we don't know her name yet) but she likes to have fence races, too, so I don't think Lobo will miss Kiki (his former fence racing girlfriend) too much. LOL!

Thanks to the outstanding job done by the young lady I hired to clean the old house, I got my full deposit back. I figured that after paying for the cleaning, the guys who helped with the move, & renting the carpet cleaning machine I actually came out about $200 to the good. Not bad!

Well, guess that about catches everyone up on my adventure in moving (remember when that was U-hauls slogan???). My boss is on vacation this week so I just might get some posting done all week. We shall see.

blessed be...

So said my Mother...

2009-07-12T09:11:00.002-05:00

Me & Bubba Bear

( Age 28; Age 4)

Sorry I have been so long away from the blogasphere, but I have been reflecting quite a bit as I have visited each of ya'll whose blogs I read daily. I have been thinking about many things: my life, the Journey, my son, our Journey, my demons (but I don't want to give them any power since they have been banished), my Angel Thomas, my Totem the Wolf, my blessings, my childhood that I mostly cannot remember.

I was talking to Mom the other day (we speak regularly these days), & she was relating something about one of my cousins & her mother. I won't share that story even though my cousin is not a reader of my blog & would probably never see this but I feel her story belongs to her. Suffice to see it opened a very interesting conversation with my own Mom. During the course of this conversation my Mom shared the following:

" You were a beautiful girl, you are still beautiful. And I was always so proud of you. I am so proud of you. Maybe I never said this. No, Mom you never said this to me, I said with my voice breaking & tears welling up. Well, I should have so I am telling you now. Sometimes, as parents, we think that our children know what we are thinking & how we feel. After all we feed, clothe, house you so we think you know that we love you. I should have told you then, but I want you to know you have always been beautiful & I have always been proud of you."

Thanks for telling me, Mom!

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I waited over 50 yrs to hear these words from my Mom. Hearing them changed me somehow, changed the dynamics between us somewhat. I think how big that change will be is developing. I still have some trust issues with her, but something did break loose in my heart that day. The ice melted a bit, the wall came down a few feet, the rocks started to crumble some. After I hung up the phone I immediately called a friend of over 40 yrs who knows all about the relationship between my Mom & me-has seen it firsthand. I left a long message on voicemail relating the conversation. In the return call he told me that when he heard the message he immediately saw me, age 14 (that's when we met), standing in front of my childhood home. He told me he didn't know why, but that was the image that immediately came to him. I know why, my teenage years were when the pain got so big, so intolerable. When I became so acutely insecure. Him seeing me at that age told me that my teenage self was being healed. That was important.

I have thought about how different the Journey would have been if I had grown up in a home where my parents said I love you, I am proud of you, Good job, Well done & all the other things that affirm a child's value in their world. How I have wished that had been my life! How I had wished that I had been a Daddy's Girl (my Mom told me that she knew how much I had longed for this & wished it could have been-BTW that blew me away also). But, had that been my life would I be who I am today? Would I have grown to where I am spiritually, emotionally, etc today? Would I be as enlightened as I am? Would I be striving to become more so? Would I be me? Ya know, I think the answer is No. Because if I had been raised that way I would not know the importance of those things. I would not know that people need to be authenticated by their family, their Tribe, their peers. I would not know how important it is to validate others. To say I love you to your child & to keep saying it until as Bubba Bear said to me once when he was about 10, yeah yeah I know...you Love me. I would not know how important it is to compliment others, to celebrate accomplishments. I think if I had had all that I desired in my early years, I would be someone else today. Someone who would not be so touchy feely, someone who does not greet everyone with a hug, a kiss. Someone who does not say I love you. I think I am who I am because of what I did not have what I felt I needed. It is that need that has fueled the Journey, that has given me insight, compassion, a loving nature, an outgoing outreaching personality (even though as my dearest longtime friends will tell you I am inherently very shy & ill at ease in large social gatherings). It is that need that has always been the fuel for me to have adventures, explore my roots, explore my gifts, embrace other cultures, banish prejudices, & to live in Harmony with Nature as well as Humanity.

My upbringing was a gift even though I have always looked at it as a curse. Because through what was missing, I found what was most important for me to live a truly free, healthy, enlightened, uplifting, inspired Life. I found out that I could choose my Tribe, my heart-family, & that those people would enrich, inspire, & motivate me. Those are the people who truly see me. Who truly get me. I could not have found any of you without my Journey starting as it did. The road has been rocky. Many times I have wanted to just stop. I have taken some "interesting" detours, but the road has lead to this day, to this time, to this moment of understanding. Life is truly a Journey. Let's see where the road leads!!!

blessed be...

Blast from the Past....

2009-06-29T20:43:00.003-05:00

This is what happens when you move, you find things you did not even know you had. Such is the case with these photos. The lower one is my formal wedding portrait that was published in my hometown newspaper when Me Hijo's Dad & I got married. The upper one was just included in my wedding album. I was 20 yrs old, it was 1972. Yep, May 20, 1972 was my wedding date. 37 yrs ago. One year & three months before I graduated from college. That's right I am now 57. Who is that girl??? Was I ever that young??? For the first time, looking at these brought a smile, no bad feelings, no remorse. Just someone I used to know.

blessed be...

Angels, Enlightenment, Revelation, & my Totem..

2009-06-28T09:23:00.006-05:00

For several days I have known I wanted to post, but nothing that I was thinking about seemed "right". This morning in checking on the blogs I read regularly I found this:

http://worldofspirit.blogspot.com/2009/06/beauty-of-angels.html

As I was reading it a name popped into my head "Thomas" spoken so audibly in my Spirit. When I was a little girl I had an imaginary friend I called Tom. He was with me all the time. I have always thought he was my Guardian Angel & today I got confirmation. Thomas! It is nice to know that he has a more formal name. That is what I shall call him from here on out. His true, formal, grown-up name--Thomas. I know now that he came to me in a form (although I cannot remember what he looked like, I do remember the essence of his presence) & with a name that I, as a child, would accept. Right now, it feels as if I turn very quickly I could catch sight of him standing behind me. But, alas, I am not fast enough to do that. But, I feel his presence. He is very close, just behind my right shoulder. I know he is here to help me, to guide me, to help me with the answers for which I am looking. It brings tears to my eyes, tears that have been just below the surface for several days now. I don't think they are from sadness or loss, but in recognition of something that I thought I could not touch again. Thomas! Every time I type his name I feel him move closer. He is tall, very tall. He is dark with light all around. His hand is on my shoulder. I want to cry, but I feel such peace. I believe, with Thomas beside me, the next phase of the Journey is about to begin.

blessed be...

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NOTE: Thanks Jen for directing me to:

http://naomimunn.blogspot.com/

I loved her post on Totems, & the one I read this morning really spoke to me. To my gift of second sight. It is time to fully emerce myself in meditation, reading, connecting with that which is unseen in my life. I know now why my Totem, my beautiful Wolf, has moved into the house. He wants to be near to guide me along with Thomas toward all that awaits me as the Enlightenment begins anew.

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I have also been reading & thinking so much about Parallel Universes & the experience of Quantum Jumping. Many years ago I had this experience. In a semi-trance state I would experience myself in an entirely different life. Different family, etc. I would have a whole, complete life just outside this realm of existence. I found it very comforting to have a sane life that I could go to. I also experience this when the Wolf Pack comes to me in my visions. There is a cabin in the woods in which I live, there is a man who shares that life with me, & there is my beautiful Pack which never leaves my side. We have a life in that world which is peaceful & in perfect harmony with Nature & the two-leggeds. I like that life.

I believe my Wolf Totem & Thomas are coming together to help me live that life, or at least the authentic life I am meant to have on this plain of existence, in this moment. I think that is why the new house has come about (the energy is so good in that home), why I am being lead toward the people who are now in my life, why I am feeling a peaceful restlessness to move forward, & in some ways backward, toward my studies of Spiritualism, my Native heritage, & my gifts. I thank Great Spirit for this opportunity.

Namaste`

Icons-3 Generations

2009-06-26T08:35:00.002-05:00

Death:

The Old---Ed McMahon
The Sick--Farrah Fawcett
The Sudden-Michael Jackson

R.I.P

Each of these people left more memories than their Public can ever know. Those are the memories left in the hearts of those who loved them...loved the "real" person that the public will never know. Those are the people who are truly mourning, who have suffered the greatest grief. Their loss knows no boundaries, & long after the fans have moved on these individuals will continue to miss their loved ones. To them: The McMahon Family; The Fawcett-O'Neal Family; The Jackson Family my heart goes out. I know their loss & for that I grieve.

blessed be...